Look after one another
by Xx Mystic Rose Xx Just Me Xx
Summary: Both Bernie and Serena go through personal traumas, but can they be there for one another or are they absorbed in their own problems? Will they pull together or push each other away? Warnings for a death, traumatic birth, mention of violence and depression. Angst/Love This is my first ever fic, I do not own characters, reviews appreciated, good and bad!
1. Chapter 1

''Your quiet this morning, something on your mind'' Serena asked Bernie as they headed across the car park and into the hospital. Bernie had barely said a word the whole journey as she sat in the passenger seat of Serena's car.

''Just tired'' Bernie shrugged, giving Serena a small smile.

''Nothing a nice, strong coffee won't sort out then'' Serena chirped.

They walked through the sliding doors and into the entrance of the hospital. The strong, rich sent of fresh coffee from pulses hit them both. It made Bernie's stomach churn.

''Do you know, I've just remembered, I need to errrmm'' Bernie couldn't think of anything quick enough, beginning to panic she backed away from Serena and she followed up with ''I'll see you up there'' as she raced into the open lift.

She was relieved to find the lift was empty as it gave her time to compose herself slightly. She stood against the wall of the lift, resting her head back as she took slow deep breaths until the lift came to a sudden stop.

''Morning'' she greeted Raf as the sliding lift doors opened to AAU, walking briskly to avoid any full conversation.

The first 20 minutes of Bernie's shift was spent vomiting into the staff toilets. Feeling weak and exhausted, she walked out of the cubicle and began splashing water on her face trying to regain some colour back in her cheeks.

''Big night'' came a voice from behind her. It was Zoisa.

''Something like that'' she replied giving her the same small smile as she had given Serena earlier.

''Don't worry, your secrets safe with me.'' Zoisa said before leaving.

Bernie glanced at herself in the mirror: tired, heavy eyes looking back at her. _God I look rough_ she thought to herself as she tied her hair back. She took a deep breath and composed herself for the day ahead.

Bernie continued with her shift the best she could, she felt ill. But she daren't show or tell anyone. She remained in the pretence that she was not on anything other than top form. To Ms Bernie Wolfe her work had always came first and to give anything less than 100 percent was, in her eyes, a sign of weakness. A weakness she was certainly not going to let Ms Serena Campbell or anyone else witness.

Serena had been so busy, hibernating in her office, buried underneath stacks of paperwork, trying to reduce her to-do list in some small feeble way that she had barely seen Bernie that day. It was not until there was a knock on her office door that she had even had time to think about the events of that morning.

''Come in'' Serena shouted, and Morven stepped inside. ''This better be good Dr Digby I said NO INTERUPPTIONS'' Serena spoke firmly.

''Its Bernie'' Morven said hesitantly.

''Go on'' Serena seemed to approve the topic of interruption.

''She hasn't been herself today, a little, . . . distant. A member of staff has said she was vomiting in the toilets earlier. She's prepping theatre now''

''And you don't think she's up to it'' Serena asked Morven questioningly, raising one eyebrow.

''Under normal circumstances, absolutely . . . but today . . . No.'' Morven was nervous as she said it, questioning a clinical lead was a gamble in the first instance but to do it to the womans lover was another thing altogether!

''Alright, leave it with me'' Serena replied calmly.

Morven smiled with relief and left.

Serena searched the ward for Bernie and finally found her sitting on the stairwell on her own.

''Thought you were going into theatre?'' Serena crept up behind Bernie and startled her.

''I was, I am, I'm just . . . Needed a break . . . Long day.'' Bernie tried to act as normal as possible.

''You sure your alright'' Serena's voice was sympathetic and comforting. ''Yes, yes.'' Bernie lied. She wasn't. But never had she ever let her guard down before and she certainly was not going to start now.

''Look, errmm I think it's best if I take over in theatre . . . Just for today'' Serena tried to keep the atmosphere light, she knew that Bernie would be furious if she thought someone had been concerned about her capabilities as a surgeon. Serena stood up and walked up the steps so she could avoid the argument she predicted was going to come.

''What! No! Serena, you can't do that! SERENA!'' Bernie jumped up and followed Serena up the steps.

Suddenly Bernie stopped, her eyes rolling up at the lights above her, She quickly reached out to hold onto the banister but before she could get a grip her knees gave way and her body crumbled uncontrollably. She tumbled down the steps, arms and legs hitting hard off each step before landing at the bottom of the stairwell in a heap. Blood treakled from her head and Serena watched helplessly in horror.

''BERNIE'' Serena shouted, running down the steps and kneeling down beside her, assessing Bernie's injures. ''CAN I HAVE SOME HELP IN HERE PLEASE'' She shouted, her voice desperate to remain professional yet holding tones of panic.

''What happened'' asked Raff as Bernie was being wheeled on a trolly into AAU by porters.

''I don't know, one minute she was following me up the stairs. . .the next'' Serena shrugged and gave Raff a concerned look. There were no tears on Serena's face but Raff could tell she had been affected by the incident.

Raff instructed fletch to carry out all the necessary tests and treatment and Serena reluctantly took over Bernie's patient in theatre, insisting that she is given regular updates on the blonde's welfare.

 _What was she hiding?_ Serena thought to herself as she was beginning to open up a patient, _okay, focus, the sooner this is done, the sooner I can go and see her._

Serena was only in theatre an hour but it had felt like a lifetime. Serena rushed out and headed straight to see Bernie, trying her hardest to push away thoughts of worst case scenarios racing through her head. ''How she doing?'' she asked Raff.

''I think you'd better take a look at this'' he said in his calm Scottish accent. He handed Serena the tablet and she took it from him and studied the screen. ''What! That can't be right.'' Raff fidgeted on the spot nervously. ''That's what I thought, I've retook the tests, Serena they're conclusive.''

Serena stood for a minute or two clearly in shock before heading to see Bernie who had been placed in the side room.

Serena sat at Bernie's side, studying her face, there hands side by side but not touching, Bernie's eyes began to flicker and Serena jumped up. Serena felt a little embarrassed to be caught watching her lover. She picked up Bernie's notes, just simply as a distraction. She knew what was in them, She had read and reread them the second she came out of theatre but she needed a moment to gather herself before what was about to come. Serena cleared her throat nervously.

''Hello You'' Serena said, her voice was calm but crisp. Serena avoided all eye contact as she spoke, Bernie oblivious to the tension.

''What happened'' Bernie asked sleepily. Her voice was small and husky.

''You collapsed on the stairs.'' Serena informed her.

''I don't remember'' Bernie said confused.

''Yes, well'' there was a small pause before Serena continued. ''we did some tests while you were unconscious'' Serena began fidgeting with Bernie's notes. She was looking at anything to avoid making eye contact with Bernie.

''It appears, that. you, .are. pregnant'' Serena struggled to say the words she couldn't bring herself to look at Bernie still. They were only in the early stages of their relationship and although she knew Bernie had just recently ended her marriage to Marcus, she still couldn't help but feel a little bitter about the situation.

''Pregnant'' Bernie repeated, double checking she had heard correctly.

''Yes'' Serena, cleared her throat again and began moving her weight from one foot to another feeling awkward.

Bernie gave a nervous giggle, ''but I can't be, it must be wrong, the tests, there's been a mistake''

''The tests are conclusive'' Serena interjected her mid sentence; her voice was cold and firm.

''But. . . I'm 51, I can't even get pregnant anymore, I HAVN'T EVEN. . . Bernie wanted to say she hadn't even slept with anyone recently other then Serena when Serena interrupted again.

''Your 26 weeks'' She said, this time her voice was a little softer, she could see from Bernie expression that she was genuinely did not know. It killed Serena inside to see Bernie in such shock but Serena was hurt too and couldn't bring herself to comfort Bernie just yet. Although she wasn't with Bernie 26 weeks ago, it made her seethe with jealously to think of her with anybody else.

Bernie sat quietly staring into space, tears filling her eyes, Serena could see that Bernie was beginning to process the information ''How could I not have known'' Bernie whispered, not looking at Serena. It was more of a rhetorical question. She was finding it difficult to comprehend what was happening. She new she hadn't felt right for weeks but this was the last thing she expected.

Serena finally gave Bernie eye contact and emotion rose in her chest as she seen a tear pour down Bernie's cheek. She wanted to wrap her arms around her and tell her everything would be okay, but she just couldn't bring herself to give Bernie any comfort. Serena was angry and hurt, things had been going so well between them since Bernie had returned from Ukraine and now there relationship had came to a standstill as they both reassessed this new situation that had arised.

''I know its came as quite a shock, ill give you some time'' she said in a professional tone, it was something she would say to any other patient. She sloped out of the side room and headed to her office where she sat at her desk with her head in her hands, frequent glances at the side room door, torn between wanting to comfort her beloved Bernie in her time of need and the bitter, angry thoughts of Bernie and Marcus together.

A short time later there was another knock at the shared office door, it was Raff.''Ms Campbell, I think we have a problem, I've just went to complete Bernie OBS and, well, she's gone.'' Serena and Raff looked at each other concerned.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been 6 weeks since Serena had last seen or heard from Bernie. Serena had no idea where Bernie was or if she was even safe. She was forced to continue the running of the ward on her own in Bernie's absence and was not coping well. Receiving no information from Hassen as he insisted he was not able to discuss such matters on the trauma surgeon's whereabouts.

The first few weeks were the worst; Serena made frequent visits to her office hoping to find Bernie in her office chair, countless calls, emails, texts and voicemails asking her to get in touch, before finally. Week 6, where Serena had accepted that Bernie had once again done what Bernie does best. Ran.

 _I can't believe she has done this to me again, what was I thinking letting her back into my life after Ukraine, I can't believe I've been so stupid. She did seem genuinely shocked to be pregnant, I wonder if she's told Marcus yet, maybe that's why she's ran off, ran back to Marcus ready to play happy families again and live happily every after. Uggghhhh how many times have I said to keep work and love life separate, AND I GO AND BREAK MY OWN RULE!_ Serena's mind was in overdrive. _Could things possibly get any worse!_

She was mid way through her shift when Raff approached her, ''Serena, I've been looking for you everywhere, I think you should come with me. . .

It's Elinor.'' Serena's stomach sank as Raff explained he had taken the red phone call which stated that Elinor had been involved in a car accident and was on her way in by ambulance. Serena ran faster than she ever had to the entrance of the hospital to see the ambulance arriving. ''It's okay darling, I'm here, your going to be absolutely fine, I've got you.'' She kissed the top of her daughters head as they wheeled her through to the lift. ''SHES LOST SO MUCH BLOOD'' Serena stated, assessing her injuries. Serena was visibly shaken and in shock. The medical professional in her diminished at the sight of her daughters wounded body in front of her. Panic overtook as she cried and tried to focus enough to help make things better. Fletch stepped in ''Serena maybe you should wait outside, okay we'll come and get you straight away.''

''I'm not leaving her'' she snapped at the nurse.

''Serena'' Raff tried cautiously placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.

''I'M NOT LEAVING HER'' She shouted louder. No sooner had she said it the monitors began beeping. Serena looked up in horror. ''She's crashed'' he shouted calmly and staff began running around connecting tubes and monitors to the young girl in front of them. At this point Ric appeared behind her. He spun her round into a comforting hug and walked her out of the room whilst she sobbed into his chest, shouting out the word ''NO.'' and fighting against his hold I attempt to stay in the treatment room. After what had seemed like a lifetime, Raff and Fletch stepped outside of the room, no words needed to be spoken, just one look said it all. ''Nooooooooooooo'' Serena shouted as she turned and sobbed into Ric's chest holding on to a fistful of his shirt. Serena cried uncontrollably whilst Ric, Raff and Fletch attempted unsuccessfully to comfort her. Serena was a broken woman. She had lost the 2 most precious things in her life in the last few weeks. Raff took Fletch to the side, ''I think we should contact Bernie, she should be here'' he whispered to his co-worker together they looked at a curled up Serena sitting on the floor of the treatment room containing her daughters body feeling utterly helpless.

Serena had managed to compose herself slightly to stand and say her final goodbyes. _I'm not ready,_ she thought. _I can't, it's too soon, I want more time with her._ She thought to herself as she stroked her daughter's hair and placed kissed on her hands. _This can't be happening, she's 21, she's still got so much to live for. I want to see her get married, have grandchildren, how has this happened?_

Serena walked, not really aware of her surroundings. Her feet seemed to carry her to the once shared office. Serena slowly closed the door and sat on her office chair. She sat for a second, she felt numb, not really sure what she should do next. Then her eyes glanced over a photo placed on her desk. It was Elinor, aged 16 in her prom dress. Serena let out a loud sob: emotion, shock and grief for her beautiful girl consumed her. The pain in her chest unbearable as she broke down, holding her head in her hands. Serena remained in her office for hours, needing some time alone, to be left to process what had just happened in her own time, in her own way. Knocks at the door came and went as she came to terms with the loss of her daughter. She couldn't face leaving and going home to an empty home, full of photographs and memories of Elinor. But the lack of privacy as more people knocked to offer words of comfort was torturous and she ignored each and every one of them.

Absorbed in grief, Serena did not notice the door opening ever so slowly and quietly. In entered Bernie, her hair was messy but tousled ever so softly and sad big hazel eyes and an omissible pregnancy bump. She was nearly 32 weeks now.

''Serena'' Bernie spoke first. Her voice was soft and small, barely a whisper. ''I came as soon as I'd heard, Serena I'm so SO sorry'' the words are you okay were on the tip of her tongue before she realised that it was a stupid question. Stuttering slightly, no other words came and it was all Bernie could do to race over to Serena and wrap her arms around her tightly. Serena sobbed into Bernie's shoulder and Bernie squeezed Serena tighter. Serena retreated from Bernie's embrace and Bernie began to wipe away the tears from Serena's face using her thumb.


	3. Chapter 3

Bernie supported Serena over the coming week up until the funeral. She made frequent visits to Serena's home where she would hold her close, comforting her through her grief, preparing meals in effort to encourage Serena to eat something or assist her in the funeral arrangements, anything she could to be there for her in her time of need. Barely a word was spoken from Serena in this time. Conversations were few and far between and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife.

Bernie returned to work in hope that it would take some of the strain from Serena, allowing her to take the time that she needed to grieve without worrying over the running of the ward. Bernie insisting that she would deal with everything so that Serena could take as much compassionate leave as she wanted. Bernie was there for Serena the whole time although they never actually talked much. Both of them were avoiding any kind of heart to heart.

It was Monday and Bernie was shocked to find that Serena had returned to work, it was after all only 3 days after Eleanor's funeral. They each completed their shift in the upmost of professionalism, spending significant periods of time hiding in the office or volunteering to complete elective procedures to enable them to hibernate in theatre. Anything to avoid a conversation, to be asked or answer questions they were not quite ready for. Clearly on the same wave lenghth they were both able to complete there full shift with only a longing glance here and there.

However tonight was the night of the long awaited grand fundraising ceremony in which they had both been organising for the last year in attempt to raise funds for there AAU department. Bernie could think of nothing worse than attending some swanky due but she knew she could not let Serena down, it was Serena's first night out since Elinor had died and Bernie was relieved that Serena was actually willing to go. Although she was not oblivious to the fact that Serena was 1. putting on a brave face, 2. throwing herself into her work and 3. most probably going to get extremely intoxicated on free alcohol. Emotional and grief stricken Serena and an unlimited supply of wine was enough to make any one cower away and run for safety. But nevertheless, Bernie was adamant she was going to be there, by Serena's side and support her through what ever the night would throw at them. After all, she had some making up to do after running away not once, but twice!

At the end of their shifts they changed into their glitzy cocktail gowns, Raff and Fletch in black and white tucks. The night was held at a grand hotel with acres of beautiful land. Serena and Bernie mingled with board members and other high flyers, avoiding conversation with each other and as ever the professionals, throwing themselves into securing funding for the AAU department. Bernie watched as Serena laughed aloud to small talk between other guests attending the evening.

Bernie was so proud as to how Serena had put a brave face on for the evening, she knew that she was still hurting and grieving for Elinor, she would be for some time. Although Bernie was concerned and worried about Serena returning to work so soon she admired the way in which the brunette was being so strong. She smiled to herself as she watched Serena do what she does best and charm everyone she meets with that gorgeous smile and quick wit. Bernie glanced at the time, it was 11:20PM and they had both already completed a 12 hour shift before attending the event.

Feeling physically exhausted Bernie sloped off to find a seat at one of the round tables draped in white material, she sat on her own tapping her wine glass containing a non alcoholic drink and tried to keep herself awake. Every part of her ached, her feet in her heels, her back and legs, she wanted nothing more than to just dive into bed and sleep for a week. Although in typical Bernie fashion, she would never show defeat and kept up the false smiles and small talk to guests passing by as she watched Serena lovingly. The night was a distraction for both of them. For Serena it was a project to focus on, something to take her mind of Elinor whilst consuming as much free wine as she possible could. The alcohol helped her forget, masked the pain somehow. For Bernie, it was another opportunity to cruse along the river of denial and pretend that everything was fine. Since she had returned, she had not discussed her pregnancy with anyone. Never allowing herself to think about it, she needed to put Serena first now, she had let her down by getting pregnant in the first place, by destroying the perfect relationship they had formed. Bernie was so disappointed with herself, she knew deep down that she would end up hurting Serena in some way, after all that was the reason she ran off to Ukraine, to allow Serena to move on and find someone new, someone who wouldn't mess things up. _It was inevitable_ Bernie thought to herself _messed things up with Marcus, Alex, Cameron, Charlotte. It was only a matter of time before you ruined what you had with Serena._ She thought.

Suddenly Bernie's thoughts were interrupted as two hands landed on her shoulders as she sat at the table. It was Serena. ''You alright'' she said standing behind her and moving to sit on the chair beside her. It was the first time they had spoken all night. _Is this Serena or the alcohol speaking_ Bernie thought to herself. Bernie smiled weakly back to her. She was running so low on energy she could barely keep her eyes open or muster the strength to smile fully. She couldn't help think how beautiful Serena looked tonight. She wanted to tell her so much, but things were already so fragile between them both, they were barely on speaking terms and she didn't want to push her luck to much.

Serena leaned closer to Bernie and spoke in her ear, the background noise making it difficult for them to have a normal conversation. ''Thank you, for tonight.''

Bernie looked back at her confused.

''I know your shattered, I can see, but I'm pleased you came, It means a lot to me that you came.''

Bernie's smile back was a little bigger this time and she focused her eyes on her glass feeling embarrassed that Serena had noticed just how tired she was and had seen through her 'everything is fine' pretence.

''Right, come on you'' Serena stood up and collected Bernie's clutch bag from the table.

''Where are we going?'' Bernie asked.

''I am taking you upstairs to bed'' Serena spoke matter of factly, she could barely stand up straight and Bernie had a feeling it may end up being the other way round.

''But you can't go, it's your night, they will wonder where you are'' Bernie protested.

''I don't care about them, I care about you'' Serena said softly taking Bernie's hand and stroking it. It was the first time in such a long time that they had really connected. Bernie did not have the energy to argue, and deep down she was pleased. Bernie sighed with relief, not only was the night finally over but tensions between them both seemed to be evaporating also.

They walked through the crowds of people and Bernie became aware that this was the first time Serena had held her hand in public. They amount of alcohol that Serena had consumed had always concerned Bernie and tonight was no exception but it was different, Serena seemed . . . to be back to her old self. Since Elinor's death there had defiantly been good days and bad, and much to Bernie's surprise today seemed to be so far so good. Bernie focused on her heels as they weaved through the crowds, she couldn't help feeling a little embarrassed that the public display of affection. It occurred to her that if she wasn't 51 and heavily pregnant she would have strutted through those crowds proud to have such a beautiful woman such as Serena on her arm. However in this moment she couldn't help but feel a little ashamed, subconsciously squeezing Serena's hand for support as she felt all eyes on them both.

Serena walked Bernie out of the hall and Bernie looked up and the grand spiral staircase hesitantly, she was so physically and emotionally exhausted she could have happily curled up on the bottom step and just slept there. Serena tugged on Bernie's arm not noticing Bernie had stopped. She turned back and Bernie smiled not wanting to show apprehension. Bernie stepped ahead quickly, avoiding eye contact hoping Serena hadn't noticed her little moment of weakness. Taking a deep breath and slowly breathing out she began to climb, trying desperately to mask the pain etched on her face as her body ached with each step she took. This did not go unnoticed by Serena who looked up at the woman in front of her watching her intently. _How did I not see this, she's exhausted, she's already done a 12 hour shift then spent the night in, actually quite fabulous heels, hang on how far along is she now, oh 32 no 33 weeks pregnant. I wonder where she's been all these weeks, has she been ok? Would she have even returned if it wasn't for Elinor? WOAAHHH_ Serena shouted as Bernie's legs gave way, Serena catching her around the waist and helping her up, ''Come on'' Serena said as she helped Bernie up the rest of the steps. One hand holding on to hers and the other around her back, She could see that Bernie was flustered and embarrassed ''I'm fine'' Bernie insisted and Serena noticed the blondes eyes filling up. Her bottom lip wobbled for a second before she seemed to compose herself '' I'm not used to heels'' Bernie said slipping back into 'everything is fine' mode.

Serena stepped back in front at the top of the staircase and still holding onto Bernie's hand led her to the room. Bernie was so focused on placing on foot in front of the other without crumbling in pain to the floor that she hadn't even noticed that they had actually passed her room and headed straight to Serena's. It was an all expenses, no expense spared, luxury suite courtesy of the NHS in honour of Serena's achievements at organising such an event.

''Nice to see the NHS have spent funds wisely'' Bernie joked. She stood hesitantly in the doorway, _does she want me to stay in her room_ Bernie thought for a second, she was too tired for this, to tired to think and second guess.

''You going to stand there all night'' Serena smirked, gesturing for Bernie to come in before disappearing into the bathroom, not giving Bernie a chance to reply.

''Oh uuhhmm'' Bernie walked in and sat on the bed hissing out loud in pain as she took the weight off her feet.

Serena was and fuelled with alcohol, bumping into the doorframe on the way out of the bathroom. ''Right, I've ran you a'' . . . her words trailed off as her eyes fell on the sleeping beauty lay on the super kingsize bed.

Bernie was still in her dress and heels, and was lay on top of the covers, arms above her head sound asleep, blonde tousled curls fanned out messily around her face. She looked so peaceful. Serena tiptoed over to her clumsily and sat on the edge of the bed watching her sleep. She looked down at Bernie's neat, blossoming pregnancy bump, She couldn't believe how big it had become over the past few weeks. She hadn't really noticed until now. She stroked Bernie's hair away from her face and kissed her forehead gently. ''I've missed you'' she whispered and as she pulled away and Bernie's eyes opened, squinting at the brightness of the light. ''Oh, sorry'' Serena giggled continuing to stroke Bernie's hair ''go back to sleep.''

They watched each other in comfortable silence for a minute or two before Bernie began to sit up, holding her upper body up on her elbows. The love between them was electric; they could both feel it, a deep, magnetic connection, that spark between them, it was back. With that in mind Bernie moved in and placed a gentle, soft, tender kiss on the brunette's lips. It was slow, loving and passionate. They broke apart, looking deep into each others eyes, as if looking for answers to all of there unsaid questions too scared to ask.

Serena crawled further onto the bed and Bernie sat up onto her knees. Serena lifted a hand to Bernie's face, cupping her cheek before gliding her hand down Bernie's shoulder and running her fingers down her arm before weaving there fingers together to hold hands. Only breaking apart from there kisses to stroke bare skin, appreciating each other. Appreciating this moment, both of them together after a long and painful time apart, both of them unsure of what the future held for them, but neither of them wanted to question that now. For tonight it was just about being together and loving one another. Bernie had no energy left, every movement, every kiss was slow, she wasn't sure where this was headed, what Serena expected, but she knew she didn't want it to stop.

Serena detangled there fingers slowly, placing her hand on Bernie's thigh, running her hand up to Bernie's hip and across to the small of her back and pulling her in closer, in one smooth move. Bernie let out a small gasp as the sudden movement took her by surprise. Eyes fleeting between eyes and lips for a second, waiting for someone to make the first move, the moment was interrupted when Bernie gasped again. Serena had found the zip on the back of Bernie's dress and tugged at it allowing it to unzip a few centimetres only. She stopped looking into Bernie's eyes asking silent permission and Bernie's wanting expression was all the approval Serena needed. Serena slowly pulled down the zip, caressing the arch of Bernie's back with her finger as it came down. Bernie pushed the beautiful gown from her shoulders and it fell to her knees effortlessly before being thrown aside onto the nearby armchair. Reconnecting there kiss, Bernie pushed up Serena's dress, hands coming into contact with her bare skin on her stomach before pulling it over the brunettes head and tossing it aside. Serena was first to break the kiss, staring at the blondes body in wonder, hands gliding over the blondes collarbones, down her slender arms before settling on the stretch mark free bump in front of her. ''Your glowing'' said Serena, her eyes shining. Bernie flinched back and looked down at the bed, she moved back slightly and began fidgeting with her fingers, picking at her well bitten nails.

Serena slightly confused about what had just happened, stretched out a hand and lifted Bernie's chin up giving her no option but to give eye contact. Bernie's eyes were swimming with tears which were quickly wiped away the second she blinked.

''Sorry'' Bernie said, in barely a whispered.

''come on'' Serena said encouragingly as she pulled back the covers and wrapped her arms round the blonde, holding her tight, Bernie allowed silent tears to fall as she buried her head into the brunettes chest. Serena could sense from Bernie's breathing that she was crying but she didn't know what to say, so together the lay in silence. Serena holding Bernie close, supporting her through actions rather than words.

It wasn't long before Bernie had cried herself to sleep, something which seemed like a distant memory to Serena who had barely slept at all since Elinor's death and instead replaced resting time with drinking time. Serena let go of sleeping Bernie being careful not to wake her and crept out of the bed, heading over to the mini bar in the room. It was 2:30 am. She opened the small fridge and collected mini bottles of her choice before sitting near the window looking out onto the night sky and pouring her self a glass of red wine. Her head was overwhelmed with thoughts and questions of both Elinor and Bernie.

Serena actually managed a total of 3 hours sleep, something which had became a personal best due to the high intake of alcohol. She awoke to find herself in the bed feeling extremely fragile. Mornings were a bittersweet moment for Serena, those few minute of bliss before being hit with her reality of her dead daughter were soul crushing. Her head pounded as she tried to recall the events of the night before, looking around the room for clues she spotted a beautiful dress on the arm chair which did not belong to her. No sooner had she questioned it, she heard a cough come from the bathroom. Serena buried her head into the pillow and pulled the duvet over her head as she lay feeling numb and depressed. She had no clue who was in there and at this moment she did not care, who ever it was she hoped would leave her in peace to be with her own negative thoughts and precious memories of Elinor.

She suddenly became aware of the bathroom door opening and she looked out from under the duvet, curious as to who it was and what damage she had done the night before. There, stood in the doorway, was a tired and pale looking Bernie wrapped in a towel. Her eyes were red and bloodshot and Serena thought she looked frail and weak.

''Morning, sorry I didn't mean to wake you'' Bernie broke the ice first.

''It's fine, you didn't'' Serena replied. The awkward tensions between them had returned.

There stared at each other for a moment, both wanted to say something, anything. The lust, love, fear and sorrow evident between them in one connecting look. It was suddenly broke apart as Bernie spun on her heel and raced back into the bathroom. It wasn't coughing Serena thought she had heard earlier, it was the sound of Bernie vomiting.

Serena hesitated, questioning if she should go in and check Bernie was okay. Getting up out of bed she slowly walked over to the bathroom door and pushed on it to open it further. There she saw Bernie lying on the cold, hard tiles. Serena's shoulders dropped at the sight, Bernie looked so vulnerable lying there. She walked over and crouched down to her helping her up into a sitting position.

''Dam morning sickness, '' Bernie laughed nervously, but Serena could sense the quiver in Bernie's voice as she spoke. ''Just give me a minute and I'll be out of your hair'' she continued trying to pull away from Serena's hold.

''You don't have to. . . get out of my hair I mean'' Serena gave a soft smile as she remembered the memories of Elinor being poorly as a child. The extra cuddles on sick days from school, holding her hair back as she was sick or the smell of camomile lotion that she applied soothingly onto skin the time she had chickenpox aged 5.

Before Bernie even had a chance to reply another wave of nausea hit and she vomited again, Serena rubbing her back and tucking her hair behind her ears. Was there still hope?


	4. Chapter 4

Back in AAU and Bernie was leaning over the computer, one had placed on the mouse, another on the desk when she heard shouting, rolling her eyes and assuming it was another disgruntled patient she turned her head, looking back to see what all the commotion was about. Standing up straight slowly she realised it was coming from her office. The office she shared with Serena. _Wait,_ _that voice, the shouting, It was Serena._ She looked around the ward, assessing the situation, evidence gathering they called it in her time in the army. She could see Fletch, Raff, Morven, _wait where's Jasmine_ she thought. Catching Fletch's eye contact her question was answered as she studied his concerned expression. She briskly walked into the office, hesitating before she opened the door.

Serena was crying, shouting, screaming out in an angry outburst, to Jasmine. Silence fell as Bernie calmly entered the office and closed the door quietly behind her. Bernie looked at a tearful Jasmine and then over to a tearful Serena who was shaking with rage.

Giving Jasmine the nod, Bernie signalled for Jasmine to leave the office.

''NO, COME BACK HERE'' Serena shouted after Jasmine.

''Serena, let her go'' Bernie said firmly but calmly.

''SHE KNEW, SHE KNEW ELINOR HAD COCAINE IN HER SYSTEM AND SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING! WE COULD HAVE TREATED HER DIFFERENTLY, WE COULD HAVE SAVED HER!''

''Serena, it's not her fault'' Again in a calm, soothing voice.''

''HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT, HOW CAN YOU . . .''

Serena's voice broke and her words trailed off as she picked up a bottle of opened shiraz from on the table and it flew to the wall, crumbling pieces of glass shattering in all directions of the room. Bernie covering her own face with her arms bracing herself for impact. Serena didn't stop, sweeping the entire contents of her desk in one smooth move before making her way around the room. Serena's was letting out every piece of anger, frustration and grief, throwing it all away from her, out of her system.

Bernie stood back calmly for a few minutes until Serena's anger turned to sorrow. ''I WANT HER BACK'' Serena shouted as fresh tears began to roll from her eyes. ''I want her back, I want her back'' she repeated.

Bernie approached her cautiously and wrapped her arms around her allowing the brunette to sob into her chest'' I know, I know'' she said comfortingly.

Serena's knees buckled and together they dropped to the floor, Bernie sat back against the radiator, leaning slightly against the bookcase at the side of her as she took Serena's weight and held her close, stroking her shoulder affectionately.

An hour had passed before Raff felt like it would be safe to enter. Knocking on the door softly and entering quietly he looked around the room to find it looked like an earthquake had hit. Glass, files and stationary all scattered on the floor, a wine stain dripping down the wall resembling something from a crime, scene investigation. As Raff's eyes travelled around the destruction of the room they stopped at the sight of Bernie and Serena, holding each other lovingly. Serena had cried herself to sleep in Bernie's arms and Bernie was moving Serena's upper body to allow her to rest her head in her lap, making them both a little more comfortable.

He looked at Bernie sympathetically, ''Is she Alright?'' He asked in his soft Scottish accent. He was so concerned for the brunettes welfare.

''I don't know if she'll ever be alright again, but she will survive.'' She answered, her eyes not moving from Serena's sleeping face.

Raff sighed, gazing at them for a moment before edging out of the room.

''I'll be one moment'' he said.

He left the destroyed office and returned a minute later holding a pillow and a powder blue blanket. He placed the pillow behind Bernie's back and the blanket over Serena before standing back.

''She hasn't slept in weeks'' Bernie said, still her eyes remained on Serena who had tear tracks on her cheeks.

''I'll take the phones, and I'll lock the door, that way you won't get disturbed. You two need to look after one another'' his soft Scottish accent was caring and kind. Bernie finally looked up at him and gave a tired smile to show her appreciation.

Serena woke with a jump and lifted her head from a now sleeping Bernie's lap. She nudged her to wake and Bernie woke with a fright, rolling her eyes at Serena and shooting her a look, slightly annoyed that Serena had woken her when she herself had barely moved an inch to let the brunette sleep soundly.

'' What time is it?'' Serena asked.

''About half 1 in the morning'' Bernie answered checking her watch.

''How long have I slept for?''

Bernie yawned ''About 4 hours'' her expression pained as she began to sit up straight, sleeping sitting up against a radiation was not exactly comfort.

''You should have woke me'' Serena was annoyed.

''You haven't slept in weeks'' Bernie's tone changing as she was becoming a little irritated now.

Bernie tried to move. Her legs were numb and her back was stiff. Using the radiator as support, she lifted her lower body up slightly and began moving her legs inch by inch trying to regain the feeling back into them. Her expression wincing slightly as she stretched out the aches and pains.

Serena was now up from the floor and on a mission as she began ran sacking the room trying to regain some order and ranting to her self.

Bernie pulled herself up onto all fours and waited, she needed a minute before standing. Getting up and down off the floor was something more of a challenge these days. She reached forward to use her own desk as support to help her stand up when suddenly. A surge of pain and pressure hit her lower stomach and back. She gasped and held her breath in shock. One hand pressed to the floor and other gripped onto the desk she quickly looked at Serena, who to Bernie's relief had not noticed what had just happened. Her eyes raced around the room in panic as she let out the breath she had held ever so slowly and swallowed down the lump in her throat. Reaching out for the desk a second time with her other hand she managed to hold onto it and stepped forward on her knees. She could feel her own heartbeat pounding against her chest and she gave another quick glance to Serena, pleased to see that she was pre occupied with re organising her own desk. Another wave of excruciating pain hit Bernie and she turned her head away from Serena, burying her face into the inside of her arm which was holding onto the desk in effort to hide her wincing expression. She pursed her lips tightly, trying anything to prevent a noise, scream or whimper from creeping out. Letting out a slow, controlled breath, she dug her nails into the table. As the wave of pain crashed down, she steadied her breathing and became aware of Serena's voice in the background.

''You should go'' Serena said, erratically tidying the office ''you should- go-get some sleep, your umm your in early- in the morning-I'll be fine''

Bernie knew Serena well enough to know she was trying to push her away, trying to put on a front but in actual fact was probably about to become emotional all over again.

Bernie closed her eyes in frustration, resting her head on the inside of her arm not ready to loosen her grip from the desk as she clung on for support. She couldn't respond to Serena, she was too focused on her breathing.

 _In 2, 3, 4_

 _Hold 2, 3 4_

 _Out 2, 3, 4_

Serena was now picking up files from the floor and was too engrossed in reorganising paperwork correctly to look at Bernie. ''Honestly, Bernie just go, she said with more conviction than previously. ''I-I don't want you here, I never wanted you here, Why _are_ you even here?'' she let out a sarcastic chuckle as she began piling files on top of each other firmly, Bernie's shoulders jumping as each file landed with a thud. ''You left me, you left me and then you came back and left me again'' Serena's voice became higher as she fought tears on the last words. ''I don't need you, I've never needed you, I don't even want you, Ha Elinor, ELINOR DIDN'T EVEN LIKE YOU.''


	5. Chapter 5

**The words shot through Bernie like a knife wound to the heart. Those 4 little words, I. don't. want. You. She felt sick, she knew deep down that Serena was trying to push her away but she also knew the damage she had caused by leaving. Her nails tug into the desk harder as she hung her head low in upset, fighting tears. Feeling utterly heartbroken she took a staggered deep breath as she attempted to move from her position. Wanting nothing more than to run out of the room and cry a million tears in peace. She slowly removed one hand from the desk and turned her body slightly to look at Serena who was now pouring herself a glass of shiraz from a bottle she had pulled out of a filing cabinet, still avoiding eye contact with the blonde.**

 **The sight of the beautiful brunette with such sadness and pain in her eyes was enough for Bernie to feel a clenching in her chest, she felt physically sick. The emotion becoming too overwhelming, her breathing began to quicken and Bernie's upper body swayed slightly as she began to hyperventilate.**

 **Struggling to take in a full lung full of air, she turned back to the desk and pulled herself closer towards it, gripping the side of the desk as far away from her as she possibly could she used her forearms on the top of the table and began to pull herself up and into a standing position.**

'' **Ahhhggghhh'' She shouted out and dropped back to the floor, rocking herself back and forth in discomfort as she squeezed her eyes at the pressure that was building.**

 **Serena looked up**

'' **Wha, what . . . what are you doing . . . your not due for weeks yet.''**

 **Bernie let out a nervous giggle between staggered breaths and began rocking at a faster pace ''Hmmm, yeah . . . . thaa thaatt ahhhhh hmmmm.''**

 **It was the first time that Serena had heard the gender of the baby and the first time that Bernie had acknowledged it.**

 **Serena hesitated for a second, staring a Bernie who still had her eyes tight shut, wincing in pain and pressing her palms to the floor, hanging her head low.**

'' **I'll um I'll go get some help'' Serena said quietly before walking to the door. She tried the handle twice before standing back to look at the door, clearly confused. ''It's locked'' she spun on her heel '' AND WHERES THE PHONES GONE'' Serena shouted in a high pitched voice.**

 **Bernie manoeuvred herself back to her comfortable position of sitting on her knees, his time with her legs apart and holding onto the desk. Resting her forehead on the desk edge in disappointment, she had forgotten about the locked door.**

'' **Raff-he-we'' Bernie couldn't get her words out. She took in a deep breath and blowing it out slowly, tried again. Talking into the desk with her eyes closed. ''We didn't want anyone to disturb your sleep.''**

 **Serena watching Bernie, her shoulders dropped at the blonde's act of kindness which now resulted in her being in clearly excruciating pain. She turned back to look out of the office window which looked out onto the ward.**

'' **There's no one out there, why is there no one out there?'' Serena was getting frustrated.**

 **Bernie was too focused on her breathing before it had registered a few minutes later what had been said. ''Don't you read your emails Ms Campbell? Closed for maintenance and midnight, re-opens at 6.'' Bernie's breathing purposeful and controlled, keeping the atmosphere light but avoiding all eye contact with Serena.**

 **Serena walked briskly and crouched down beside her, Bernie could feel her presence but kept her eyes firmly closed as she tilted her head on the edge of the desk seeking a more comfortable position but failing so far.**

'' **Bernie, what I said, I am so sorry, I didn't mean it, not- not really, I don't even know why I said it, the truth, well, the truth is . . . Since Elinor, well you're the only one who, who's really, really been there for me, an- and I think, well I think I just got, got sssscared, about. How. M-muu-ch I've. Relied. On. You. How much I need you. You left me Bernie, you left me twice a – an- and now after everything with Elinor, I don't think, well I don't think that I could, you know'' Serena swallowed the lump in her throat, the tears in her eyes threatening to fall ''I don't think I could cope again, I was trying to prove to myself, that I didn't need you, didn't want to, in case, well in case you left me again .''**

 **Serena's gaze was fixed solely onto the side of Bernie's face as she spoke to her willing her to turn her head towards her and give her eye contact, a look, a clue as to if she would be forgiven for the hurtful things that were said just minutes ago. Serena was also aware that in the time she had been talking, Bernie's breathing was becoming deeper and louder.**

 **Bernie turned to look at Serena, head still rested on the edge of the desk which had now left a red line on her forehead. Each breath sounded like a rumble in her lungs. ''You – You don't'' Bernie's face twisted as her words were interrupted by a sudden ''ahhh'' taking in 3 fast breaths she continued. ''you don't have to be sorry'' she said it as quickly as she could, she needed to get it out, needed Serena to hear it. ''It's – Its me agh, I- I hmm I'm the-the one who mmm who sh-should uggh be-be s-s-sorry, get-getting ah god ooooOOOOooommmm.**

'' **Shhhhh it's okay'' Serena had to step in. She could see Bernie was really struggling now, her breathing was creeping back up towards hyperventilating and Serena was getting worried. She lifted her hand to swipe away Bernie's fringe which was beginning to stick to her forehead. Serena was all too aware that time was of the essence.**

'' **NO, NO'' Bernie shouted shaking her head ''let me finish'' she took another composing breath and gulped down another lump in her throat before continuing. ''I'm sorry, I'm so sorry'' Bernie finally allowed tears to fall. She lifted her head from the desk and looked at Serena picking up her hand and stroking the back of it with her thumb. Although the pain had eased slightly, she knew she only had a minute or two before it came again so she took the opportunity continued to do the hardest thing she had ever had to do. ''I'm sorry, for everything, for destroying us, what we had, getting p-pr-pregnant and running, you deserve b-b-better, I wanted to be ah better, to be there for you and l-love y-you and instead here I am, in labour with a child a week after you've buried yours. They each broke down and Serena moved in to hug her, Bernie pulled back. ''No, don't be nice to me, I don't deserve it. You don't deserve it, you deserve better, better than me, I want better for you.''**

'' **I don't want better I just want you.'' Serena whispered through her tears.**

 **And Bernie shook her head again. ''You want someone who, will whisk you off for romantic weekends away '' tears tumbled from Bernie's eyes. ''or who will spend every minute of every night holding you close. ''They'' Bernie gulped down again, ''they will never ever love you as much as I do'' Bernie smiled, nodding and wiped away her own tears. ''But they will give you a better life than me. You deserve that. You deserve better than me.''**

 **Bernie could have went on but she knew her time was up by the change again in her breathing pattern, taking deeper, faster breaths, she prepared herself by gripping the top of the desk again and still sitting on her knees she opened her legs as far apart as she could, feeling the pressure building. ''uuuuuaaaaagggggghhhhhhhhhhh'' she reluctantly let out through gritted teeth. ''Hmmmm, hmmmm, hooooo, I can't do this, I can't do this'' she shook her head into the edge of the desk once more.**

'' **Bernie look at me, LOOK AT ME, let me help you, please, Bernie please'' Realising that now was not the time to respond to Bernie's previous comments, after all they had bigger things to deal with right now, Serena put her emotions aside and began trying to take control of the situation. She held out her hand for Bernie to take but Bernie shook her head.**

'' **I have. to do. this. on. my. own'' she said through quick, sharp breaths in which Serena was concerned of. She was unsure if it was panting or hyperventilating but either way she did not like it. Bernie's body tensed up and she felt the most intense pressure pushing down, she was loosing control, there was no way she was willing to have this baby with Serena locked in the room with her, it was unfair on her, cruel even after everything she had been through with Elinor. Bernie's flight mode kicked in and she turned her back to Serena, reaching out for the computer chair and wheeling it closer to her. She grabbed each of the arms on the chair and pulled herself against it, as she rocked against the chair it wheeled back and fourth. Fighting against the contractions with fast hyperventilating breaths she stretched out an arm out for the small waste paper basket and vomited violently into it.**

'' **Right that's it I'm getting you out of here'' Serena said deciding enough was enough and considering smashing a window using a paperweight from her desk.**

 **As Serena went to stand she was pulled back by Bernie's hand pulling at her wrist.**

'' **I'm sorry, I'm sorry'' Bernie cried. She looked at the clock it was 3:10 am. She new that Raff's shift began at 6, if she could just hold on, fight the pressure for a bit longer then Raff could let her out, she could take herself off somewhere, anywhere, she certainly wasn't bothered about getting to maternity as long she could let Serena be free. Free from witnessing this cruelty and torture that she was putting her through.**

'' **Let me help you'' Serena said, taking Bernie's hands from the computer chair and moving her, wheeling it away with her elbow so that Bernie had no option but to use Serena's shoulders for support. Serena lifted Bernie's chin gently and Bernie looked into Serena's eyes for only a second, it was enough to make her mind up, she was going to fight this, fight it for her, she owed it to her, it would bring back to many memories of Elinor, it wasn't right, no, she would fight with everything she had until Raff would let her out, he was normally early for work anyway, so it really wasn't that long to wait, just 2 and a half hours she thought. 2 and a half hours, come on, . .**

 **No sooner had she thought it that another reluctant aaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh came from her lips as she fought the urge to push, she removed her hands from Serena's shoulders and placed her hands on Serena's knees, feeling the need to be doubled over. She could feel the intensity of the pain and pressure building again and she locked her legs together feeling scared and frustrated. She was becoming exhausted now, she wanted a break, just a few minutes to regain some strength, as the pressure eased her arms gave way against Serena and She placed her forehead on Serena's knees, allowing Serena to use one hand to un-stick her hair and the other to rub comforting circles on her lower back.**

'' **Bernie please'' she whispered into her ear. Bernie sat up again preparing herself for her next contraction and Serena tucked her hair behind her ears, pulling her fingers through the tousles. ''Your boiling, we need to cool you down.'' Bernie didn't speak Serena took the lack of protest as approval and began undoing the buttons on Bernie's blouse before sliding it off her shoulders. Bernie looked relieved instantly at the feeling of cool air on her skin and taking in another deep breath. Serena looked at Bernie in front of her, leaning on her for support, wanting more than anything to take all the pain and discomfort away. She glanced down at the bump in front of her, wanting to place her hand on it but worried that Bernie would back away ''You know, only you could be heavily pregnant and still fit into your skinny jeans.'' Serena said playfully, trying to lighten the mood. Bernie giggled and sniffed away tears.**

 _ **I've missed her smile**_ **Serena thought.**

'' **Mmmmmmmmmm NO NO NO NO NO, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING, AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH. SERENA!''**

'' **It's ok it's ok, I think we might need to remove those jeans'', Serena suggested calmly.**

'' **NO!**

'' **Bernie, sweetheart, you're going to have to''**

'' **NO!''**

 **Serena looked at her, feeling helpless, her heart was breaking at watching Bernie in so much pain, she had never seen her look so vulnerable before.**

'' **hooo,hoo,hoo,hoo'' Bernie panted out trying to compose herself again before speaking. ''Waters. Hav'n' . . '' was all she managed to get out.**

 **Fighting hard against pushing, she was struggling and feeling more and more out of control, realising she was hurting Serena by clinging onto her knees she moved her hands up and placed them on Serena's hips, holding fistfuls of Serena's blouse and squeezing as tight as she possibly could as the contractions were coming one after another allowing barely more than a minute rest time between each one. The pressure was beginning to built again, her breathing rapid, she balled up her hands, squeezing fistfuls of Serena's blouse as Serena rubbed her back and kissed her forehead whispering words of comfort and encouragement in her ear, persuading her to work with the contractions rather than against them. Holding onto Serena's hips as tight as she could, she rocked back and forth, her whole body tensed up, stronger and stronger she fought with everything she had, shaking her head as she could not vocalise the word NO, the pain was excruciating, it was too much, she had to push, shaking her head violently her body was overpowered by the contraction and she screamed out a long groan as her entire body worked against her. The intensity had stepped up a gear and as Bernie moved her hands to grab onto Serena's arms needing the additional support from something, anything. She shouted out long and loud as she felt something happen, she looked down in panic to see her waters had broken, tainted with blood.**

 **NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOO NO she shook her head violently. Tears flowing down her cheeks, every part of her was saying no. No, she was not ready. No, not here. No, not now.**

'' **Listen to me, LISTEN TO ME'' Serena grabbed Bernie's forearms and shook slightly and she tried to shake some sense into Bernie to calm her down. ''You can do this, okay, . '' Serena placed her forehead to Bernie's needing a minute to compose herself and feeling shocked to see the big macho army medic so vulnerable. She had no idea she would be so scared, she had imagined her to be so cool, calm and collected right to the very end, after all, Bernie was never emotional, clearly these hormones have been causing chaos in her mind, Serena's thought and she couldn't help but stray to the thought of what she was like to live with for her last two pregnancies.**

'' **IM NOT READY, IM NOT READY'' Bernie cried out.**

'' **Hey what happened to the girl who was blown up in the army then was ready to go back and give them hell eh''**

 **Bernie couldn't even smile she just continued to cry. ''Its different, its not the same, I'm not ready, it's going to change everything, I'm not ready'' she sobbed loudly. She had never laid her soul so bare, never let her guard down this much, she was always so, together, so composed and Serena knew now that she had missed something big.**

'' **Bernie, what do you mean?'' Serena asked, she already knew, deep down, it had just dawned on her in that moment, but she needed to hear it from her.**

'' **I don't want to let you go'' Bernie cried out, more tears than ever tumbling down.**

 **Suddenly it all made sense to Serena and things she had never thought of up until now were like missing pieces of a jig saw that she was able to place together. ''you've been in denial all this time'' Serena whispered, an overwhelming feeling of guilt swept her. ''You knew didn't you?'' Serena asked and Bernie shook her head ''No I didn't Serena I didn't.''**

'' **And since then''Serena asked cautiously ''The long hours, the extra shifts, killer heels at the fundraiser, oh god it all makes sense now, you wouldn't let me touch you, in the hotel room, your bump, in fact I've never seen** _ **you**_ **touch your bump, EVEN NOW'' Serena shouted gesturing at Bernie and Bernie looked away in shame as a waterfall of tears fell down her cheeks. ''The lack of maternity clothes, you did a 12 hour shift before the fundraiser, no wonder you were exhausted! Bernie why didn't you talk to me, you could have just talked to me, I could have been there for you I COULD HAVE HELPED YOU.'' Serena realised when Bernie ran it was through fear and now here she was completely mentally unprepared for labour as she had buried her head in the sand pretending she wasn't even pregnant.**

'' **It was too late, damage was already done, I seen it Serena, I seen it in your eyes, you were angry with me, I know you had every right to be, I'm angry with myself. I do want him, I want to make him happy and give him everything I can, but I just wish I had more time, found out earlier, had spent more time with you before we go our separate ways, that night at the hotel, I wanted to tell you how beautiful you looked, in your dress, doing your thing, your amazing Serena, and I'm so sorry I let you down.'' Bernie stopped and hissed out loud. Finally looking into Serena's tearful eyes, one look said a thousand words; this was the moment, quickly leaning in together they kissed firmly and lovingly the taste of salty tears on their lips. Bernie was the first to pull away as she felt the strongest contraction yet. ''I need to move!'' she shouted, panic in her voice but calmer than she had been previously, she turned her back to Serena and Serena realised how uncomfortable and vulnerable Bernie felt in this moment, she was terrified and completely out of her comfort zone. In effort to help, Serena picked up the blanket that Raff had brought in earlier and placed it over her, ensuring she was covered before taking her jeans and knickers off for her. Serena then sat behind Bernie allowing her to rest back against her.**

 **Bernie looked at the time 4:45 am, she sobbed again.**

'' **When did this start?'' Serena was curious.**

 **A small breathless reply ''had a few niggles yesterday.''**

'' **Bernie!''**

'' **Don't shout at me, ahhhh this is it, Serena!''**

'' **It's alright, just breath, take my hand, come on you can do this.''**

 **Bernie took Serena's hands and sat up slightly pushing with everything she had, she crashed back down against Serena as she took a few seconds to rest, ''Ahhhhhhggggghhhhhh it hurts'' she shouted out, moving her fingers nervously in Serena's as her sweaty palms tried to find a comfortable grip. ''ooooooooOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmm'' Her body tensed up again and she lifted her upper body again as she pushed down.**

'' **Come on your doing really well'' Serena said between planting kisses on the blondes forehead.**

 **Bernie tried again, again crashing her body back down into Serena, she was exhausted, and Serena became aware of just how much blood Bernie had lost as she saw the puddle around them. Bernie's eyes were closed, Serena nudged her forcefully, ''Bernie I need you to stay awake, we need to get this baby out''**

'' **can't, I can't'' Bernie replied weakly.**

 **Serena was beginning to worry.**

'' **Yes you can, come on'' she picked her up from under her arms and lifted her into more of a sitting position. Moving up onto her own knees she spun Bernie's legs to the side and lifted her again so that they were both standing on there knees, Bernie's arms having been placed around Serena's neck. ''Hold on tight to me'' she whispered. She used her hands to push Bernie's knees apart and again the change of breathing pattern signalled a contraction, Bernie barely conscious, had her head buried in Serena's neck. Bernie's body tensed up for the final time before a long**

'' **mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm'' Which Serena was pleased to hear as it signalled she was still conscious. Serena had the blanket ready as the baby came out, covered in blood but perfect non the less. Bernie's body went limp against Serena's, ''IS HE OK, IS HE OK'' she shouted, there was a small hesitation before ''HE'S PERFECT,HE'S PERFECT, YOUR PERFECT.'' Serena kissed multiple kisses on Bernie's forehead before whispering in her ear ''I'm so proud of you! So proud of you! You did amazing!'' They were both crying only this time they were happy tears. Serena placed the baby onto Bernie's chest, Bernie still resting on Serena her arms still wrapped round her neck only her body was facing sideways. They watched him for a few minutes, each holding onto each other tightly in awe of the beautiful bundle of joy placed before them. ''He's got your eyes'' Serena smiled letting the little one grasp her finger, she looked at Bernie.**

'' **Bernie'' her eyes were closed, Serena tried to shake her awake. ''BERNIE!''**


	6. Chapter 6

Bernie lay limp, eyes closed, cradled in Serena's arms, the baby still lying on her chest not crying but making his own gurgling noises. Serena's eyes widened as she realised Bernie had just slipped into unconsciousness. ''Come on Bernie don't do this to me'' she said as she began to step into action. The consultant in her thinking fast as she began to lay Bernie onto the floor gently to allow the baby to remain rested on her chest. She ensured Bernie was still breathing and checked her pulse, both were faint and weak, but were still there nonetheless. Serena spun round unsure of what to do next, scanning the room for a phone or set of keys that she hoped to god had been forgotten in order to get Bernie out of here and get her treated.

Much to Serena's immense relief somebody, somewhere must have heard her, looked down on her, she had thought only for a split second that it could have been Elinor because suddenly a knight in shining armour in the shape of Raff De Luca was at the door, jingling keys. He opened the door happily, unaware of the trauma he was about to see before him.

''BERNIE! Is she breathing, is the baby alright, are you alright?'' he asked Serena as he crouched down beside them and began assessing everybody.

Serena nodded as tears of relief, stress, panic and gratitude began to fall. Raff began checking Bernies breathing and pulse, shining his torch in her eyes.

''Raff, don't let her die on me'' she said through sobs. Raff looked up, giving Serena eye contact; one look said more than words ever could. He wanted more than anything to say the words 'I won't' but he knew he couldn't give them and instead scooped up Bernie in his arms. Serena placing her hand on the baby to allow him to remain rested on Bernie's lifeless body as Raff stood up. Bernie's long, slender bare legs smeared with blood which had now transferred onto Raff's forearms and scrubs. Her tousled hair waved with the motion as her head draped back in Raffs hold. They walked briskly out of the room, one of Serena's hands holding onto Bernie's as Raff carried her and the other placed on top of the baby ensuring his safety before Raff laid Bernie onto a bed, the white sheets turning red as it absorbed the endless amount of blood that had now covered Bernie's ankles and hands. ''Page for a theatre team'' he delegated to Serena as he began taking care of the situation. Serena ran off to the nurse's station, paged and called for help before making one more phone call.

There was only one man in her life that she trusted enough for this moment. One man whom she trusted with her own life and therefore trusted him enough to know that he would ensure everything that could possibly be done, would be done for the one and only woman left in her life whom she loved with all her heart. That man was Henrik Hansen.

Staff came rushing into AAU one after the other, all ready for theatre. Serena sat at the nurses station, head in hands feeling utterly helpless.

''Ms Campbell'' came Hansen's normal voice. No panic, no sympathy, just the usual mysterious yet authoritative tone. It was in this moment that she couldn't quite believe how he had ended up in this profession. Nothing seemed to faze him, he was always a calm presence, it was somehow comforting yet frustratingly irritating at the same time.

Serena did not look up, just remained sitting at the desk, tears flowing with her head in her hands.

''Ms Campbell, It is in these difficult times that I sometimes think to myself.''

''Keep calm and carry on'' Serena said with a sarcastic chuckle.

''Quite the contrary, What would the Major do?''

Serena looked up and him and smiled, he was right, she wouldn't be sitting here crying, she would be getting stuck in there not giving up without a fight and making sure she was doing everything she possibly could.

''I believe we have a new addition to the AAU family that I have still yet to introduce myself to, care to join me?''

Serena envied his cool, calm and collected approach yet it comforted her at the same time. Together the walked to the paediatrics department to check on the baby who had just been whisked there by hospital staff so that Bernie could go into theatre.

Serena couldn't bring herself to see the baby without Bernie by her side and instead remained near the door of the treatment room whist watching Hansen talk to the baby as if it were an adult.

''Hello, how do you do'' Hansen said to the tiny 5lbs 2oz baby in the cot in front of him. Serena giggled, instantly feeling guilty and began crying again.

They returned to AAU some time later and Raff came to give the update to an extremely worried Serena, ''She's had server internal bleeding and has needed 3 blood transfusions, we'll keep her under close observation but, we're optimistic.'' Serena let out a gasp of air in relief. Raff shifted on the spot nervously, ''Serena, I am so sorry, for locking you both in, I didn't think, I saw you sleeping, Bernie said you hadn't slept in weeks, I was just trying to help.''

Serena shook her head, ''this isn't your fault, you have nothing to be sorry about''

''I should have thought on, who locks a pregnant woman in a room with no phone.'' He said, clearly annoyed and disappointed with himself.

''Honestly Raff, don't beat yourself up about it, if it's anyone's fault it's mine, I was the reason she was in there, I was the reason she's been in denial about this pregnancy.'' Serena felt numb as she said it.

''Now now we can all play the blame game later'' Came Hansens firm, calm voice. ''Right now I believe one of our trauma surgeons has a little someone she still has yet to meet, can someone please arrange for baby Wolfe to be escorted to Ms Wolfes room please.''

Serena entered the side room in which Bernie was recovering from her surgery. Walking up to her cautiously and picking up her hand and placing a kiss on it before walking to the foot of the bed and picking up Bernie's notes. She wanted to ensure she remained fully in the loop with regards to Bernie's treatment. As she scanned the paper she was shocked by what she found, she looked up at sleeping Bernie in the bed in front of her, horrified by what she had just read. Serena was soon snapped back into reality as Fletch wheeled in a small cot containing Bernie's baby.

''Had to give the nurse on peads my number for this favour. You owe me big time.'' He smiled, keeping the mood light as always. ''I'll leave you three to it'' he said before sloping off. The room was quiet except for the small beeping of a monitor attached to Bernie and the soft gurgles of the baby.

''Hello you'' she smiled looking down at the tiny bundle of joy before her. ''Well you certainly know how to make an entrance. I have to say you could have timed it better. She paused to watch him, taking in every detail of his features; he was much smaller than Elinor had been. The room was painfully quiet, after all the drama, chaos and trauma of the last 12 hours you would think that the silence would be tranquil but Serena hated it, she just wanted her Bernie awake.

''We have to look after her now you know'' She spoke softly, whispering into the small plastic hospital cot where he lay. ''Both of us, she needs us'' she paused to scoop him up in her arms before walking around the room cradling him. ''I know she likes to put on a front, she likes to pretend she's tough does your mother, oh and believe me she is, so be warned, just wait till you see that 'no messing about look' oh yes she means business. But she's more vulnerable than you think, she's softer than you think and we have to look after her now, we have to look after each other. So, that means sleeping right through the night mister, doing well in school, make sure you eat all of your vegetables and when your older if you're going to drink, smoke and bring girls back at least make sure she doesn't catch you okay, don't say I didn't warn you.''

''Don't you listen to her'' came a small whisper of a gravelled, husky voice. Serena looked up to see Bernie stirring, eyes adjusting to the light, Bernie cleared her throat and began moving around slow but restless trying to find a comfortable position, her facial expression wincing at the pain. ''There will be no drinking, smoking or bringing girls back ever, I shall have you know. She laid her head back onto the pillows, closing her eyes sleepily. ''I'll be keeping a close eye on him at all times'' she tried sitting herself up ever so slightly again but was struggling ''he's going to get himself a good job and a good wife, have himself a happy, fulfilled life, certainly wont be making the same mistakes as his mother that's for sure, Ill make sure of that.'' She collapsed back against the pillows exhausted and breathless, she had only moved a few inches but her body had been through so much in the last 12 hours.

''Bernie'' Serena approached cautiously, sitting on the edge of Bernie's bed as close as she could, their thighs and arms touching, allowing her to see her baby. ''Do you want to hold him'' she said as she began to hand him over. Bernie shook her head in refusal ''he's happy with you'' she said giving a sad smile. Serena looked up at Bernie confused as to why she didn't want to hold him. Her question was answered in one avoiding look. As Bernie gazed lovingly and her baby, smiling and stroking his head with her finger, Serena felt the fear radiate from her.

''Bernie, I've seen your notes''

Bernie's eyes fixed to her baby in front of her, purposefully avoiding looking Serena in the eye. ''Bernie'' Serena hesitated waiting for Bernie to look at her. Realising she wouldn't she continued ''three broken ribs, abrasions and lacerations to the head, wrists and ankles, bruised eye socked and split lip that required stitches.'' Serena spoke as if reading the notes from in front of her, she had memorized what had been written. ''talk to me Bernie, tell me what's been going on.''

Bernie continued to stare at her baby stroking his head. ''Now you now why I couldn't come back'' she said barely more than a whisper.

''You could have called me, you should have called me! I sent you texts, emails, left voicemails and all the time you were missing you were in the same bloody building.''

''I didn't ask to get brought here'' Bernie interrupted her, full of attitude.

''Tell me what happened'' Serena said, she was firm but caring at the same time.

Bernie rolled her eyes and sighed, she did not want to have this conversation, it was awkward and uncomfortable but she couldn't exactly run off anywhere, could she? Bernie took a deep breath.''I went to tell him'' Bernie spoke slowly and quietly

''who, Marcus? Marcus did this to you?'' Serena's tone becoming worried.

''Thought I owed it to him, to be honest''

''And he wasn't happy, about the baby''

''oh no he was delighted''

''I don't understand''

''He was delighted about the baby, just not about its mother.'' Bernie finally looked up to Serena, her eyes glazed with un-fallen tears. ''Said I'm not fit to be a mother, that he would (guesturing at the baby) be better off without me, you know seen as I messed up so much with Charlotte and Cam.''

Serena couldn't believe what she was hearing; it was almost as if Bernie actually believed what rubbish Marcus had been telling her.

''So what, he hit you?'' Serena was still confused.

''No, no not at first, he wanted me to stay there, give birth to the baby then he would let me go, he would look after him without me.''

''let you go?'' Serena was nervous as she asked this one, fear ran through her bones as she recalled what was written on the notes (abrasions and lacerations to wrists and ankles) her stomach sank and she felt physically sick at the thought of Bernie tied up.

A tear ran down Bernie's cheek and she used both hands to sweep them away before looking down at her baby giving him a big, beaming smile while letting him grasp her finger.

Bernie was purposefully giggling at her baby still in Serena's arms and using him as a distraction to avoid the subject, pretending not to notice Serena's eyes burning into her as she watched her pretending everything was fine but knowing the trauma she had been through. Serena felt a wave of guilt and protection for Bernie.

''How long?'' Serena asked coldly, she was shaking with rage at the thought of what Marcus had done.

''What, oh, well it doesn't matter, I got away, see'' lifting her hands gesturing to herself and smiling.

''How long!'' Serena's voice was firm and authoritive.

Bernie sighed ''I was only in there about two and a half weeks, it wasn't long, probably wasn't even that long, all the days seem to just merge together when you're stuck in a room with nothing to do.'' Bernie regretted giving away that last piece of information almost instantly.

''How did you get away?'' again cold and firm as she could not hide her anger.

''Serena'' she was about to protest answering all these questions. The words 'do we really have to go through all this were on the tip of her tongue when Serena gave her the look. The look that all F1s dreaded!

Bernie sighed again, feeling defeated ''Managed to escape the ropes didn't I, 25 years in the army has some advantages. Although you could say disadvantages as it took two and a half weeks to get out'' Bernie said playfully and Serena was not amused. She did not find it funny at all. Another look from Serena was all it took to force Bernie to continue.

''I tried to escaped, got caught, we fought, I escaped again, next thing you know I'm waking up in here, apparently I made it out of the house and was found unconscious in an alleyway, I don't remember all of it but, yeah, there we have it.''

Serena sat in shock, words failing her as she remained speechless. Hatred and anger built up inside her. Bernie continued talking to the baby in front of her as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

Serena's flight mode kicked in as she felt emotion tighten in her chest. She was torn between handing over the baby running out and sobbing in private or wrapping her arms around Bernie, squeezing her tight and never letting her go. Taking a staggered breath to compose herself, she whispered ''You need to tell the police.''

''hmm'' Bernie looked up from smiling and giggling at the baby ''what, oh yeah, they already know.''

''Well'' Serena pushed for more information. It was like getting blood from a stone.

''Well he was arrested, out on bail now I think.''

''Bernie, how can you be so calm'' Serena wanted to shake some sense into Bernie, she was becoming more frustrated with her by the minute.

Bernie looked up again sensing the irritation in her voice ''Because he's not important, I'm not important, the only people that matter to me are my children and you, anything else I can live with.'' Bernie replied bluntly.

Serena sighed, there was so much they needed to discuss, their relationship had been hanging by a thread for weeks, at least she knew why Bernie had been away for 6 weeks after finding out she was pregnant, she hadn't really ran away, just was locked away, unable to return. Serena remembered the awful things she had said to Bernie about not wanting her, not needing her. She also remembered what Bernie had said about each of them going their separate ways once the baby was here, she wondered if that was still what Bernie wanted.


	7. Chapter 7

10 weeks later and Bernie had decided to return to work after Serena's updates on how the 3 replacements chosen to cover Bernie were, in Serena's words, 'as much use as a chocolate fireguard.' Bernie had bonded well with her baby, loved him more than words could say, but she needed that work life balance back, she hired a nanny and returned on the condition of flexi time something in which Hanssen and Serena were happy to accommodate if it meant getting their trauma surgeon back. The flexi time enabled Bernie to spend quality time with her baby each morning or evening, depending on how tired he was, she would run back at lunch times if needed and she no longer now worked weekends. Things seemed to be going well for everyone. Serena had been actively involved in both Bernie and the baby's life, popping round to Bernie's house most days since she had left the hospital, the dynamic of their relationship had changed with regards to romance but the friendship between them had been stronger than ever, or so she thought.

Bernie was back in her scrubs and enjoying being back in her work, she had just finished with a patient and was about to move on to the next when she was called over by Fletch, ''Ms Wolfe, just a minute'' he said before handing over a patient file. Bernie took it automatically assuming she would be assessing notes when she was surprised to find an A4 Good Luck, Sorry You're Leaving card inside. ''Most people have signed it already, we're just waiting for you, oh and leaving drinks are on Friday night, I trust you'll be there'' he said cheerily.

Bernie hadn't realised there was someone leaving, she's normally to absorbed in her work to keep up with the rumour mill but with 10 weeks off on maternity also she felt completely out of the loop. She opened the card clicking her pen ready to sign when suddenly she felt as though the wind had been knocked out of her. Her legs had gone to jelly and her surroundings seemed to whirl around her in slow motion.

'To Serena, we will miss you, have an amazing time in France, Love Morven' xxxx

 _WHAT THE FUCK_ she thought, luckily the word did not spill from her lips.

Bernie continued to read the messages in the card.

'To Serena, To Serena, Dear Serena' She checked each one confused, ''all the best, good luck for the future Ms Campbell, can't believe you are leaving us'' other messages read.

Fletch noticed Bernie's face as she read the messages ''Earth to Ms Wolfe, drinks, Friday, you will be there right.''

''What, oh, yes, of course'' Bernie closed the file containing the card and handed it back to Fletch, luckily he hadn't realised she hadn't signed it, she couldn't bring herself to, she was sure this must all be some kind of misunderstanding, some kind of sick joke, but just the thought of Serena leaving made Bernie want to burst into tears, which was actually easily done these days, _dam hormones._

Bernie took herself off to the office, she needed some space to think, to cry. She wanted answers, but Serena was in a meeting with Hanssen, she contemplated interrupting the meeting, her heart telling her to barge in and shout the words 'is it true' but her head told her other wise and instead she remained at her computer trying her best to focus on her work, letting the tears roll down her cheeks.

 _Surely she wouldn't have done this to me, she can't just go, after everything we've been through together, yes I suppose I did it to her, but that was different, things we're different._ Her mind was on overdrive.

Serena walked into the office, ''Thank goodness that meetings over, fancy a coffee?''

Bernie stood from her chair, adrenaline racing through her body, her hands we're shaking. She had spent the last 45 minutes rehearsing and planning a speech in her head, she knew exactly what she was going to say and how she was going to say it, because after all this must have been a mistake. However the second she saw Serena's face that planned speech had left her mind and what came out was sharp and full of attitude ''I hear best wishes are in order.'' _That wasn't how you were supposed to do it_ she thought to her self.

''Sorry'' Serena stopped in her tracks and took in the view of Bernie's tear stained face.

''You know, France, that's where your going isn't it?'' Again Bernie spoke with attitude while organising her desk, slamming things down and avoiding looking at Serena.

The tension in the room was painful.

''How do you?'' Serena paused she wanted to say ''how do you know before realising that finding the source of the leak was not the priority. ''I was going to tell you, I was just waiting for, you know, the right moment, the right words.'' Serena's voice was small and desperate.

''Oh you needn't of worried, the full ward found a way, and the right words too it seems, good luck, sorry your leaving I think was the words they used.'' Bernie was seething.

''Bernie'' Serena said in a small voice, she was devastated that Bernie had found out in this way, the very last thing she wanted was to hurt her.

''I've got patients to see'' and with that Bernie had stropped off out of the office, slamming the door on her way out leaving Serena devastated.

Serena tried several times to talk to Bernie over the coming days, she needed to explain but all of her attempts were refused or ignored by Bernie. If Serena walked in a room, Bernie walked out, the atmosphere was uncomfortable for everyone.

The week came to an end and before Bernie knew it, it was Friday night, Serena's leaving drinks night. Most of the staff got changed at work and headed straight for the bar however Bernie went home, still unsure as to whether she would be attending. She was still angry with Serena but if Serena was leaving tomorrow, she knew she couldn't leave things like this.

Bernie sought to her baby, feeding and changing him, spending some precious time before his bath and sleep. ''Looks like it's just the two of us now little man.'' She said with a sad smile as she cradled him in her arms.

Having decided she needed to see Serena before she left she arranged a baby sitter and began getting ready to go out. If tonight was going to be the last time her and Serena seen each other, she was going to make sure she gave her something good to remember.

She pulled out some black leather look skinny jeans, her highest heels, spritzed on perfume and put a small amount of lipstick on. Her hair softly tousled as usual, she couldn't remember ever making this much effort for a night out before.

She arrived at the bar to find it packed with people, all of which she recognised from working at the hospital. She scanned the room looking for Serena but her eyes found Jasmine, Morven, Fletch and Raff first. Morven's mouth open slightly and she nudged Jasmine at the sight of Bernie arriving.

Jasmine looked up at Bernie, ''Wow, Bernie, you look.''

Bernie's eyes widened as she panicked thinking she had over done it with how she looked.

''YOU LOOK HOT'' Jasmine finished, they all sat there speechless and Bernie let out a gaspy laugh in relief.

''Drinks?'' Bernie asked them, a shy smile growing and feeling her cheeks blush she needed to escape the attention and order herself a much needed double scotch.

Bernie stood at the bar on her own and felt the presence of someone stand, shoulder to shoulder beside her. She didn't even need to look to know it was Serena, she could smell her perfume and feel the sexual magnetism between them as they stood side by side both looking ahead.

Serena broke the ice first, ''you came'' she said looking directly at the bottles of spirits behind the bar.

''Of course I came, wasn't going to let you go without saying goodbye.'' Bernie smiled a big, shy grin.

Serena spoke to the barman and ordered her usual, a bottle of shiraz, Bernie swirling the ice in her scotch.

There was a painful pause while they both thought of the right words.

''Bernie''

''Serena''

They spoke at the same time and their eyes connected. Staring longingly into each others eyes hoping they could telepathically say the words I Love You without having to say them out loud. Were they going to kiss? Serena was moving closer to Bernie, pulling in like a magnet, eyes fleeting between eyes and lips, only seconds from connecting when. . .


	8. Chapter 8

''Bernie you made it'' Dom said placing his hand on Bernie's shoulder and squeezing between both her and Serena to get served at the bar. Bernie's eyes dropped to the floor in disappointment, a cheeky, irritated pout over took her face followed by a smile when she realised Serena had rolled her eyes at the interruption.

''I need some air'' Serena dismissed her self and headed out side.

Bernie was unsure if she should go after her and headed over to the table where all her co-workers were sitting, frequent glances at the entrance of the door, impatiently waiting for Serena to return.

After 15 long minutes, Bernie decided to go out, she couldn't wait any longer, she needed to see Serena. She walked out of the door, down the steps and walked forward looking left and right out onto the street, her brow furrowed as she thought for a moment that Serena had gone home. Bernie didn't know what time her flight was tomorrow, would she ever see her Serena again?

Bernie's shoulders dropped and sheer disappointment overcame her as she accepted Serena had gone, maybe even for good. She began walking back up the steps to head back into the bar when someone at the right leaning against the wall, bottle in hand caught her eye. It was Serena! Bernie smiled the biggest smile Serena had ever seen and Bernie looked up to the stars trying to act nonchalant and casual, covering her tracks after the clear look of desperation and disappointment that had just been shown.

''So this is where the parties at?'' Bernie said casually, leaning against the wall beside Serena, taking the bottle from her hand and taking a swig before handing it back.

''Something like that'' Serena said also looking up to the stars.

It was a beautiful night, not too cold, the sky a deep, bright blue leaving only the streetlights and the stars to illuminate the street.

''Shouldn't you be in there celebrating?'' Bernie spoke slowly and quietly ''looking forward to fine French wine and cheese and meeting some young mademoiselle singing voulez vous coucher avec moi?'' Bernie smiled and they both giggled.

They both finally gave in and gave each other eye contact, each time they looked at each other they both felt an overwhelming wave, _was it lust? passion? love?_

Either way it was like an uncontrollable force, pulling them closer and closer together. That _need_ for each other. That _want_ for each other, their eyes looking lovingly and longingly into the depths of each others souls, silently communicating their unconditional love for each other. Undeniable sexual chemistry they had once called it.

Serena whispered something, only barely audible ''You look . . . '' Serena shook her head pouting ''oossshh'' was the sound she made.

Bernie dropped her focus to her shoes in embarrassment, tucking her hair behind her ear nervously, she could feel her cheeks heating up as they blushed pink.

''You look. . . Wow'' Serena whispered again, and she reached up affectionately to tuck a stray piece of hair that Bernie had missed behind her ear before leaning back against the wall and taking another swig from the bottle.

Bernie felt her chest heat up and quickly began playing with her necklace feeling awkward, uncomfortable and nervous, yet slightly smug with herself at the reaction she had just received.

''So I don't scrub up to badly for a middle aged single Mother then'' Whispered Bernie.

 _She looks so cute when she's embarrassed_ Serena thought

''Maybe skip the 'middle aged single mother' for MILF'' As always Serena's wit was on top form and she enjoyed watching Bernie squirm with shyness and embarrassment.

Bernie let out a loud laugh; she was shocked to hear Serena use such a word and she was stunned to hear that word used about her.

Bernie reached for the bottle from Serena still giggling and took a swig, she handed it back and their hands brushed together. They stopped both looking down at their hands touching.

''I am happy for you, you know'' Bernie whispered. ''I know I haven't done a good job of showing it, but I am happy for you, it sounds like a good opportunity does France and you deserve that. She nodded and smiled stroking the back of Serena's hand, interlocking there fingers. ''However'' She continued ''you better let those mademoiselles know, if anyone, anywhere even thinks about hurting you, I know a very hormonal, sleep deprived ex army major who happens to be quite handy with a scalpel.''

Serena laughed but as Bernie looked up she seen a tear run down Serena's cheek, Bernie moved in closer and used her thumb to sweep Serena's tears away. Serena moved in, body pressed against body, eyes fleeting between eyes and lips again, lips hovering only millimetres apart before. . .


	9. Chapter 9

Finally the kiss that had took so long.

Loving, slow, deep and passionate, _if this it the end, it couldn't be more of a perfect ending_ Serena thought to herself.

Serena did love Bernie, with all of her heart, but it had been so hard recently knowing all they could ever be now was friends. Bernie had already made it clear that she had wanted Serena to move on, to find someone new, someone who could give her a better life. The dynamic of their relationship had to change so that Bernie could prioritise the baby and allow Serena the life she wanted her to have, the one she deserved, a one that was not overcome with responsibilities and upsetting memories. Serena loved the baby too, really loved him, but each day, each milestone reminded her more and more of Elinor, and it was like a stab wound to the heart on a daily basis. She was happy for Bernie to have such a healthy, happy baby, of course she was, and proud of the mother she had become, but she couldn't help but feel a little envy that Bernie was lucky enough to have three healthy children whilst her one and only child was dead. They had grown apart since Serena informed Bernie of her pregnancy and the distance between them was only increasing rapidly. Serena couldn't take it anymore, it was too upsetting to stand and watch the woman she loves, everything had changed, she envied the life they once had and longed to have it back, but it was too late now, and Serena wasn't sure if they were strong enough to fight the obstacles between them. It was easier just to go, to move on and start a new life for herself and allow Bernie to do the same.

Their kiss was broken by the sound of Zosia and Olly giggling as they stumbled out of the bar drunk and into the taxi.

Bernie growled as she pulled from their interrupted kiss, resting her forehead on Serena's in frustration. Serena giggled and planted a soft peck on Bernie's nose.

They watched the taxi containing Olly and Zosia pull away. The tension between them taught yet loving as they held in the words they longed to speak out. Bernie's phone beeped in her clutch bag. Head still rested against Serena's, she clenched her eyes in frustration before taking it out and reading the message.

''Everything ok?'' Serena asked.

''Babysitter'' Bernie replied, texting quickly and placing her phone back in her bag.

More and more staff were beginning to leave the bar as the night came to a close.

''Well I suppose this is goodbye then?'' Serena said taking hold of both of Bernie's hands. Bernie could feel the onset of a panic attack rise in her lungs, like a ton of bricks landing hard and heavy on her chest, restricting her breathing, at hearing the word ''goodbye.'' She couldn't let Serena go, she wasn't ready, not yet, not ever really, but just a little more time she thought as she gripped Serena's hands tighter.

This did not go unnoticed by Serena who recalled fondly the night in the hotel when Bernie squeezed her hand tight for reassurance as she felt shy walking through the crowds. It was moments like this that made Serena love her even more.

''What times your flight?'' Bernie asked. She wanted to be with Serena right up until the very end, she wanted to treasure every last second with her.

''Not till two tomorrow''

 _Two tomorrow, right, there is still time_ Bernie thought ''come back to mine, tonight, please, if you want that is, you don't have to, sorry, I just thought we could, erm, sorry, silly idea, I expect you've got packing to do and people to see, and, um, forget I said anything.''

Bernie stumbled on her words feeling annoyed and frustrated with her own rambling that she hadn't head Serena speak.

Serena shook her head in disbelief at this nervous wreck of a woman in front of her. She loved the way Bernie went all of a flutter around her, _how is it possible that little old me, manages to make this beautiful, strong,_ _intelligent woman that's strong enough to take on a war zone fall to pieces._ Serena thought.

''Bernie!I said, I'd like that.'' Serena giggled

Bernie took in a gasp of breath in relief, _Yes, she said yes! Right, if this is going to be our last night together, I'm going to make sure it's a night Serena will never forget._ Bernie thought to herself.


	10. Chapter 10

They returned to Bernie's house and Bernie said goodbye to the babysitter, Serena poured them both a drink. Serena was perfectly familiar with Bernie's kitchen from all the time she had spent there while they were together and after Bernie had returned home from hospital.

Bernie closed the front door and turned around to see Serena standing in the kitchen doorway, two glasses of wine in her hands and a sultry smile on her face.

''Drink'' Serena asked flirtatiously, their eyes locked on one another.

No words needed to be spoken, Bernie had a glint in her eye and a small pout on her lipstick stained lips, Bernie strutted along the passage towards Serena, heels clicking along the porcelain tiled floor with each step she took. She took both glasses from Serena's hands, carried on walking past to place the glasses on the bench. She turned on her heel, hands behind her back holding onto the worktop as she took a second to take in her view of the beautiful woman before her, she stepped towards Serena, pulled her in by the waist, Serena smiling and stepping into Bernie's embrace clumsily before Bernie pounced a deep, passionate kiss on her mouth. Bernie pushed Serena against the wall. Pulling back slightly for only a second to check that Serena was okay, that this was what she wanted. No words needed to be spoken; just one look said it all for Bernie to continue. The pace quickened and Bernie began dragging wet, hot, gentle kisses along Serena's neck. ''If this is going to be the last night I have with you, I'm going to make it the best night you've ever had'' Bernie whispered into Serena's ear. Feeling a tickle at Bernie's hot breath on her ear, Serena shivered, a tingle raced up her spine and down between her legs. Her knees felt weak as Bernie ran her hands over her shoulders, down her arms, interlocking their fingers before placing Serena's hands firmly above her head.

''Oh Bernie'' Serena moaned, as Bernie ran her hands back down, cupping Serena's cheek and grinding her hips against her, bodies pressed together against the wall. Bernie and Serena remained connected in kiss as they walked they way along the passage, knocking over various ornaments from the side table near the door as they transported each other to the staircase.

Bernie pulled at the collar on Serena's blouse and began to kiss the bare skin on her shoulders as the climbed the stairs.

''Do it'' Serena cried and with that consent Bernie took both sides of the collar and pulled them apart causing the buttons on Serena's blouse to pop off in all directions, drip, drip dropping to the floor like april showers.

They were nearly at the top of the stairs when Serena pushed with her hands against Bernie's hips, Bernie fell back into the wall and knocked down a picture. It landed with a thud on a step before falling to the bottom of the stairs, glass particles sprinkled everywhere. Neither Bernie nor Serena batted an eyelid at what had just happened and Serena continued her mission to remove Bernie's clothing, breaking apart from their kiss for only a second to pull Bernie's top over her head in one expertly smooth move.

They reached the landing and Bernie pushed back against Serena, Serena's back colliding with the door frame as Bernie began undoing the button and zip on Serena's trousers and letting them fall to the floor. Tongues exploring each others mouths rapidly before they entered the bedroom.

Bernie kicked the door closed with her heel before going to kick her shoes off.

''Oh no Major, keep the heels on'' Serena whispered into Bernie's ear. ''You look so fucking hot tonight.'' She continued before nibbling on Bernie's earlobe causing Bernie's knees to buckle and her hips to buck. Luckily Serena had her arms wrapped around Bernie's waist to keep her up.

Serena pushed Bernie onto the bed and began crawling over her before straddling her, She could feel the coolness of Bernie's leather jeans between her thighs

''I've missed this'' Serena whispered into the darkness.

''I've missed you'' Bernie replied.

Bernie rolled Serena over, sitting Serena in between her legs.

''Wait there'' Bernie said before pulling something from the bedside drawer.

Serena waited and felt something cold and soft cover her eyes, It felt like ribbon, Bernie tied it at the back into a knot, adjusting it over her eyes to ensure Serena could not see.

Bernie wanted Serena, wanted her right now, but she also wanted the night to be special.

''I'll be back'' she said as she kissed her hard multiple times on the lips and Serena felt Bernie's body leave from on top of hers.

Serena was straining to hear every sound, her senses heightened by the blindfold.

Serena felt Bernie lips brush against hers and Bernie pulled at the ribbon slowly allowing it to fall from Serena's face, Serena looked up to see candles everywhere, all over the floor, on all the furniture on the windowsill, every surface was covered in soft, glowing lights, then she looked at Bernie, the sight of her causing her jaw to drop, Serena was instantly aroused, Bernie stood up before her, she had taken her jeans off and put back on her shoes, to reveal the prettiest matching black, lace under wear. The heels making her legs look even longer than usual.

''Wow, Bernie, this is, this is beautiful, and you, wow, you are'' Serena was lost for words, Bernie moved in and began exploring her mouth with her tongue once more, all Serena managed to get out was ''You in them heels, your so fucking sexy.''

Bernie straddles Serena once more and whispered between kisses into Serena's ear ''You like?''

''Oh yes'' Serena moaned back.

The arousal between them began to build again and Bernie laid Serena's upper body back down on the bed, grinding her hips against Serena, Serena grinding back, the friction between them causing a stir between their thighs, running a finger down between Serena's breasts Bernie followed her trail with kisses. ''Have I ever told you just how fucking perfect you are'' Bernie whispered.

''Hmm Major, you're the one that's perfect, you don't know what you do to me'' Serena panted back seductively.

Bernie kissed her way down Serena's body, running her hands down her waist, taking a grab at her arse before stroking her thighs.

She hooked her finger into the waistband of Serena's knickers and let go, causing the elastic to ping against Serena's sensitive skin.

''oossshhh Major'' She cried out and Bernie bit her lip as she moved in and took the waistband of the black and red silk in her teeth. She pulled them down with her mouth, Serena opening her legs slowly as Bernie moved down her legs, breathing out air against the bare skin on the inside of Serena's thighs as she did so. She kissed back up her legs, teasing before heading up to her breasts and taking Serena's nipple in her mouth. Serena let out a moan and her hips bucked at the sensation, swirling her tongue round and round her nipple which responded instantly, hardening at Bernie's touch. Serena's back arched and Bernie took the opportunity to place her arms under and around her back pulling her in even closer as she made her way to Serena's other breast giving them the equal care and attention they deserved. Serena's hips bucked again and Bernie pouted as she pulled a nipple between her teeth. Bernie rolled her hips, grinding against Serena, they could both feel the orgasm begin to build at the friction between them, but Bernie didn't want to rush into anything. She wanted to savour every inch of Serena, to explore each and every part of her using her touch and tongue. Although, to Bernie this wasn't about sex, not tonight anyway, tonight was about treasuring everything she loved about her precious Serena one last time.

Serena rolled over on top of Bernie, kissing down her neck before gliding her hand down in between Bernie's legs. Bernie gasped out as Serena tickled her skin with her erotic feather light touches. Serena grabbed hold of Bernie's breast and squeezed, Serena always liked the way they fitted perfectly in her hands. Sucking a nipple hard in her mouth, Serena felt Bernie tense up beneath her, she stroked a finger up and down between Bernie's legs with one hand pulling and tugging and Bernie's hard nipples with the other. Bernie's body jolted, she stopped looking up at Bernie's face ''You okay?'' She asked tenderly.

''Of course'' Bernie replied a big smile across her face.

She continued, but Serena knew Bernie well enough to know when she was lying to her. _Was this not what she wanted?_ Serena thought to herself, Serena's mind was racing with thoughts as she continued to kiss Bernie's stomach. _She flinched, like at the hotel when I touched her bump, she actually flinched, maybe I just don't do it for her anymore, maybe that's why she's ended it, all this 'oh I want you to have a better life with someone,' when really its just she cant bear me touching her._

Bernie lay with Serena on top of her, tears beginning to form in her eyes and she willed them not to drop. _Well done Major, once again you go and fuck things up_ Bernie thought to her self, feeling the excitement and the sexual chemistry fizzle out into dust within the last few minutes. _All I wanted was for our last night to be perfect, why do I have to be such a fucking screw up, no wonder she wants to leave._

Serena looked up to Bernie's face to see the tears in her eyes. ''Have I done something wrong?''

''What, No, of course not'' Bernie was panicking.

''I'll go, I'm sorry'' and with that Serena jumped up and began looking for her clothes.

''What, Serena, no, please, wait!''

She grabbed Serena's wrist and Serena turned to see Bernie who looked like she was about to cry, Bernie sighed and sat on the edge of her bed leaving go of Serena's arm. Bernie rested her elbows on her knees and covered her face with her hands before running them through her hair and gripping hard.

''I'm sorry, it's not you, honest it's not you.''

''Let me guess, its not you it's me, 10/10 for originality'' Serena replied sarcastically.

Serena was annoyed, Bernie had led her on, if this wasn't what she wanted why did she take her up here.

''No, no, it's not that, it's just, ahhhhhggghhh'' Bernie sighed and gripped her hair a little tighter, Serena could see she was getting stressed and Bernie began to cry, ''I haven't, I mean, we haven't, I mean.''

''Just say'' Serena was beginning to loose her patience.

Bernie hesitated evidently searching for the right words.

''Since the little man'' She said in a small voice, quickly sweeping away the tears from her cheeks.

''What'' Serena looked at her, she didn't understand.

Bernie was hoping she wouldn't have to go into detail, but she could see the look of confusion on Serena's face and figured she didn't have much choice. ''It's only been 10 weeks, and after, you know, everything that happened, I'm still, I mean, when you'' Bernie turned her face from Serena to quickly wipe away more tears, slowly blowing out a breath before continuing. ''I want to, Serena, I really want to, I just, I'm still, you know, bit sore.'' Bernie wanted the ground to swallow her up whole; in fact she would rather gouge her own eyeballs out with a rusty spoon than have had to ruin what was an amazing time between them. To stop the woman of her dreams from making love to her, watch the moment fizzle out like a wet sparkler and then have to have this conversation as to why she had held up an imaginary stop sign to what would have been the most passionate, spectacular night of her life. Well _fucking done Major Screw Up_ she thought to herself.

Serena smiled sympathetically, the penny finally dropping as she realised what Bernie was talking about.

 _Oh great now she feels sorry for me_ Bernie thought to herself sarcastically, Bernie focused on her knees to avoid looking at Serena and planned to sob into a tub of ice cream the second Serena left, which she was sure she would after that failed performance.

Serena walked over to Bernie and took her hands in her own, ''why didn't you just tell me''

Bernie shot her a mortified look and Serena smiled back.

''We don't have to do anything your not ready for, you should know that''

Bernie could feel the emotion rising in her chest, she was mortified and furious with herself, she was fed up at the hormonal mess she had become.

''I just wanted to make your last night special, now I've fucked everything up''

''Less of that Major, Thank you'' Serena said in a firm tone, to which Bernie seemed to listen to.

''I'm sorry''

''You've got nothing to be sorry for, come on''

''Huh''

''Do you trust me?''

Bernie couldn't answer the word yes, of course she trusted Serena but she wasn't entirely sure herself where her comfort zone started or ended at the moment, so how could Serena possibly know. She wanted to sleep with Serena more than anything, but she also wanted the night to be perfect and she was nervous she would ruin the moment by having to stop, _not exactly the romantic evening I had in mind_ she thought to herself.

Serena looked into Bernie's eyes and saw them glaze over as if she was about to cry again, she recognised that same scared, fearful expression from when Bernie went into labour and again the day she held her child. She wasn't used to seeing Bernie like this, so unconfident with low self esteem. No sooner had she thought it, she saw Bernie's bottom lip wobble as though she was trying hard to contain her emotion. Serena had to step in and take control; she couldn't bear seeing her like this.

''Right Major, you listen to me, first things first, we don't have to do anything your not comfortable with, if your not ready, that's fine, we can just cuddle all night if you want, the night wouldn't be any less perfect than if we slept together and you know why, because all I want is to be here with you, that's good enough for me. And Secondly Bernie'' Serena lifted her chin so that Bernie had no option but to look at her.

''please, relax, let me look after you, I'll not do anything you don't want me to, okay, now can I see that gorgeous smile of yours again now please.''

Bernie smiled a big sigh of relief ''Sorry''

''And will you stop saying sorry!''

Serena stood up and held out her hand for Bernie to take, Bernie taking it and standing up her self, allowing Serena to kiss her tears away.

Bernie felt like a failure, she had ruined everything, ruined the last chance to show Serena how much she loved her, she was gutted with herself. She wanted so much to make everything perfect. Mentally she wanted Serena more than anything, but physically she wasn't ready and she realised the second Serena grabbed hold of her breasts as she had to clench her eyes shut and bite down on her lip in attempted to stop herself from yelping out in pain. The labour had not exactly been the smoothest of labours, serious internal tearing and bleeding, what if she needed to stop, to say she was nervous was an understatement.

Serena pulled the covers back on the bed and she and Bernie climbed in. She held Bernie close and Bernie sobbed in her embrace, hiding her face in Serena's chest biting the nail on her thumb, feeling frustrated and angry with herself. Serena ran her fingers through Bernie's hair as she held her and every few minutes she placed a kiss on the top of her head. She hated seeing Bernie so upset like this, Serena couldn't help but think how on earth it had been possible for a beautiful, strong, intelligent woman such as Bernie to suddenly have all of her confidence stripped away from her since finding out she was pregnant.

Bernie snuggled her face even more into Serena's chest and she gripped tightly onto Serena's body with one hand, still biting on her thumb with the other. Serena felt her sobs come to a stop.

''Serena'' Bernie whispered. ''You know it's not you don't you?''

Serena clenched her eyes shut and she squeezed Bernie tighter in her arms. ''Ahhh sweetheart'' She planted multiple kisses one after the other on top of Bernie's head.

''I could never not want you Serena, I'll always want you, I mean I do want to, it's just'' she trailed off and Serena deliberately didn't speak to force Bernie into confiding into her fully.

''I just, I mean, I don't, aaarrrggghhhh I JUST DON'T WANT TO DISSAPOINT YOU.'' There was a hitch in Bernie's breathing and Serena knew she was going to cry again.

''Bernie, sweetie, you could never disappoint me.''

''Yeah but what if I need to stop, what if it's going well and then I go and have to ruin things and its hardly romantic is it, its hardly a perfect last night of passion together Is it.''

Serena could sense the quiver and the frustration in Bernie voice.

She moved down and pounced a kiss on Bernie's lips to calm her, ''Will you just shut up and kiss me please''

Serena knew what she needed to do, she needed to restore Bernie's confidence somehow, she wanted her to feel good about herself again.

''You say the word and we stop okay, we don't do anything your not comfortable with, I promise I'll be gentle but if there is any time you want to stop I need you to promise me you'll say, okay.''

Bernie nodded and quickly wiped away her tears, showing a little smile.


	11. Chapter 11

Serena pulled Bernie in by her waist and began to place, soft, gentle, soothing kisses down her neck. ''you okay?'' Serena whispered up from kissing Bernie's collarbone.

''Yeah''

Serena reached up to give Bernie a quick kiss on the lips before moving back down. Serena sat up on top of Bernie feeling aroused at the sight of Bernie's naked body before her. Serena glided a finger down between Bernie's breasts and slid her hands behind her back arching her back and pulling her stomach up to her mouth. Trailing kisses across her tummy she began her confidence building mission. ''Only you could have 3 kids and still have a perfectly flat tummy'' Serena complimented her.

Bernie did not reply and Serena could sense the negative thoughts and worries spinning through her brain.

''Do you know what I love'' Serena tried to distract Bernie's thoughts and make her relax. ''These'' she said taking hold of each of Bernie's hands and kissing them all over, turning them over so that she could kiss both the front and back as she rolled her hips gently against Bernie. ''I love these skilled, soft hands of yours, these hands that care and caress me, that make me go weak at the knees in just one touch''

She looked at Bernie for a sign but Bernie still did not answer as her nerves stepped up a gear. Her anxiety kicking in, fear of the unknown, would she have to stop Serena and ruin their last night together?

Serena moved up so that she was face to face with Bernie. ''You okay?''

''Yeah''

''Do you want to stop?''

Bernie shook her head

''Are you sure?''

She nodded

Serena kissed Bernie's lips once more and reached behind her back, her hands gently lifting Bernie's thighs so that she could run a feather like touch up and down the inside of them. ''And do you know what else I love'' Serena smiled as she felt Bernie begin to relax as she caressed her limbs, letting her fingers move higher and higher up the inside of Bernie's thighs with each stroke. ''These, magnificently long, slender, sexy, legs of yours, god they go on forever, I love it when you wrap them around me, I feel so protected by you, and seeing you in those heels, my goodness, you made me so wet.''

She heard Bernie let out a gasp and a nervous giggle and _finally_ her body relaxed as some of the tension left her body.

''But you know what I really, really love'' Serena continued. ''These beauties'' and Serena used the back of her knuckles to gentle stroke Bernie's nipples. ''You okay? Just tell me if you want me to stop'' she said reassuringly and placed light kisses around Bernie's nipples. Serena blew out a breath against them, their sensitivity causing them to harden instantly at the sensation. Bernie's hips bucked involuntary under Serena.

''You still okay?''

''mmmhhhmmmm'' Bernie nodded.

Bernie repeated the motion and Bernie's hips bucked again, Serena smiled and continued kissing around her nipples, being careful not to hurt her.

''But what I really, really love most of all'' Serena moved down to in between Bernie's thighs ''Is this'' she placed a kiss on top of Bernie's pretty lace knickers.

Serena hooked a finger each side of her hips and began to pull them down slowly and gently. Serena was mindful that this might be the time that Bernie panicked or had to stop so she ensured every moment was slow, constantly checking her expression to see if she was okay, not fully convinced she would voice it if she wasn't. Serena took Bernie's hand to comfort her, she remembered there had been times when Bernie had subconsciously squeezed her hand when she felt uncomfortable. _If she squeezes my hand I'll know to stop_ she thought.

Serena used light touches to stroke Bernie between her thighs, and Bernie's hips went again

''Serena!''

''It's okay, I've got you''

Bernie let go of Serena's hand and stretched out, taking fistfuls of the pillows either side of her and arching her back.

Serena smiled at the sight of her, happy that Bernie trusted her enough to leave go of her hand. She began placing the softest, most gentle kisses on her clit. Serena could tell that it wouldn't take much for Bernie's orgasm to peak. She continued using her fingers to caress her and Bernie began to writhe at the touch.

''ahhh, oh, Serena'' She moaned out and Serena could tell she was close. Serena was worried about applying more pressure or moving at a faster pace so instead she opted for using her mouth and she dipped her tongue in only for a second before looking up and checking she was okay. Bernie's back arched of the bed and Bernie gasped out loud, Serena was so smug with herself, she loved the sounds she was hearing from Bernie and once again Bernies hips bucked into Serena's mouth. She gently dragged long, light licks up along Bernie clit and Bernie shouted out.

''Ahhh Serena!''

Serena circled her tongue round and round and round and Bernie shouted out in pleasure

Serena smiled and continued, soft and gentle, her arms wrapped around Bernie's body as she held her through her high. Bernie's back and hips crashing back down onto the bed and Serena kissed her tummy as Bernie shuddered through the aftershocks.

''okay?'' Serena asked, cuddling into her.

''Yeah''

''Feeling better?''

''Yeah'' Bernie smiled.

''Good'' Serena smiled back.

Bernie snuggled back into Serena's chest and Serena kissed the top of her head again smiling a big grin feeling happy with her self that she had cheered Bernie up.

Serena went downstairs to get their drinks and Bernie went to check on the little man. Serena was tired, it had been such a long day and her head was all over emotionally, although she would never tell Bernie that. She was worried about Bernie, worried if she was doing the right thing by leaving, would she regret it, she thought to herself. France had seemed like such a good opportunity at the time, a chance to move on from all the stress that had surrounded her recently, just a chance to escape it. Serena did not hear Bernie until she was stood behind her in the kitchen.

''He's still out for the count, bless him, what, what are those?''

Serena had jumped at the sound of Bernie's voice and quickly shoved something into her handbag on the bench, hoping that Bernie had not seen. She quickly took a sip of her wine and Bernie marched over, looking at Serena the whole time, took the handbag from Serena and looked down to see a small bottle of pills. She picked them up to examine the label.

''Antidepressants'' Bernie whispered, her heart sank.

Serena took a gulp of her wine and looked everywhere other than Bernie's face.

Bernie didn't know, she was shocked but not surprised, after all Serena had lost her only daughter. Bernie wanted to talk to Serena about it, she was concerned that she was drinking alcohol with them too, she took one look at Serena's face, her expression, sad and defeated, she decided that Serena would talk to her when she was ready, the problem was time was ticking, so Bernie made a mental note to approach the subject in the morning.

They went back off to bed and Bernie held Serena closes, feeling so guilty that she had been so absorbed in her own problems to notice that Serena had been feeling so low. She new she was grieving, she new she was having good days and bad, but what she didn't know was why Serena felt she couldn't talk to her about it. Bernie was heartbroken to think that Serena had been suffering in silence.

Serena awoke to find the space beside her empty, she assumed Bernie would be seeing to the little man and rolled back over to go back to sleep. Just as she was about to drop off she could hear someone talking, it sounded like Bernie was on the phone. Serena glanced at the time, 4:45, _who would be ringing at this time_ she thought to herself.

Getting up out of bed and pulling on one of Bernie's oversized t-shirts she tiptoed down the stairs. The talking becoming louder as she reached the bottom, she waited trying to listen.

''No, no, please, no, please, stop, stop'' It was Bernie's voice.

Serena ran into the sitting room to find Bernie lying on the sofa and the little man beside her in the mosses basket. She quickly checked him over to find him fast asleep holding onto Bernie's finger as she lay on the sofa with her hand in the basket. Serena's eyes moved to Bernie who was also sleeping. Serena looked around confused; no television was on, just a darkened room with an empty baby bottle on the coffee table beside them.

Serena walked around the table to the foot of the sofa and placed a fur throw over Bernie who was sleeping peacefully, she watched them both lovingly for a second when:

''No, no, NO, I can't, no, I can't'' Bernie was shouting out in her sleep, tossing and turning restlessly on the sofa.

Serena watched in horror as Bernie became more and more distressed and restless.

''Ssshhh Bernie, Bernie wake up'' Serena didn't want to wake the baby up and she moved his mosses basket to the other side of the room, worried that Bernie may lash out in her sleep.

''No, no, no, please, please, no, it hurts, it hurts''

Serena felt sick, _what on earth was going on_ , Serena tried to work out what Bernie was dreaming about, _was it her labour, was it her time with Marcus?_

It was traumatic for Serena to watch but at the same time she wanted to know what was going on in Bernie's head, she knew Bernie would never tell her, so she sat beside her on the sofa and unstuck the hair from the sweat on her face and listened intently.

Bernie began sobbing in her sleep and Serena cried as she watched her.

''owww, owwww'' she cried out as she twisted from side to side.

Serena couldn't take it any longer.

''BERNIE'' She shouted, shaking her.

Bernie jumped into a sitting position and inhaled a high pitched gasp of air, dropping to her knees of the floor and panting heavily.

Serena crouched down beside her, tears flowing down her cheeks at what she had just witnessed, she began rubbing Bernie's back in attempt to comfort her ''It's okay, it's okay, it was just a dream, your safe, it was just a dream.''

Each quick breath Bernie took in was high pitched and rumbled in her lungs, she was so out of breath you would have thought she had ran a marathon. Bernie stood up, her chest heaving up and down, she wasn't sure if her legs could carry her but she had to get away from Serena's watch. She walked briskly, holding onto any bit of furniture for support as she made her way to the kitchen, she opened the patio doors into the garden and stepped out barefoot, dropping to her hands and knees again and taking big gasps of air in attempt to regulate her breathing.

Serena joined her outside and handed her a glass of water, Bernie's full body was trembling and she lifted a hand from the ground to take the glass. She began to take a small sip, the glass shaking and water spilling out in her grip.

Bernie's remained on all fours, bowing her head as her breathing restored to a normal pace, Serena could actually hear Bernie's heartbeat as it pounded against her chest.

''Do you want to talk about it?'' Serena asked carefully continuing to rub circles on her back.

Bernie sat back on her knees and shook her head, sniffing and wiping away her tears to compose her self, Serena had never seen her look so pale.

''I need to check on the little man'' Bernie decided and before Serena had a chance to reply, she was back inside.

Bernie picked him up and held him up to her shoulder, holding onto him tight as she clenched her eyes shut and placed her lips to his head, ''Sssshhhh it's okay'' she whispered as he stirred in her arms.

 _WHAT THE HELL HAS JUST HAPPENED_ Serena thought as she watched Bernie look like a woman possessed as she gently bounced her sleeping baby protectively on her chest, wiping away each tear that fell and completely ignoring Serena.

Bernie walked upstairs and Serena decided to give her space, Serena began cleaning and tidying up, she had to do something to keep herself busy. After 2 hours of blitzing Bernie's home, Serena felt like it was safe to go up, when she got to the top of the stairs she found the nursery door closed.

''Bernie'' she spoke quietly, ''Bernie, please, can I come in?'' Serena turned the handle and pushed the door ajar to see Bernie sitting on the floor, her knees up to her chest, one hand hugging them and the other between the bars of the cot, holding her baby's hand.

Serena was so confused, but there wasn't much time for explanations now.


	12. Chapter 12

Serena stood in the doorway and watched Bernie for a moment before making her way over to her and crouching down beside her. She wanted to place her hand on Bernie's shoulder but was worried in case she startled her.

''Your still shaking'' Serena whispered sympathetically.

Bernie was completely zoned out, Serena wasn't even sure if Bernie had realised she was in the room, she just sat watching the sleeping baby in the cot, her eyes wet from un-fallen tears.

''Bernie, I need to go now, it's after 7, are you going to be okay?''

Bernie didn't answer and remained focused on her baby.

Recognising that Bernie was in shock, Serena needed to do something, there was no way she could leave her like this, she left the room and called the one man she could trust, who was he? I hear you ask, why, Henric Hanssen of course.

''Ms Campbell to what do I owe the pleasure?''

''Henric, can you talk, I need to speak to you, it's about Bernie, I don't know what to do'' She paced the kitchen on the phone to him. Should she stay or should she go?

No sooner had she thought it she heard footsteps on the stairs.

''Henric I'll have to call you back'' she said and with that she cut the call.

Bernie entered the kitchen cradling her baby who was now awake and ready for his morning feed, Serena glanced at the time, she needed to finish packing but she didn't want to leave Bernie like this.

Bernie completely ignored Serena as she began to put the kettle on, pulling out formula from the cupboard and a bottle from the steriliser.

''Here let me help you'' Serena said stepping in to make up the bottle.

''It's fine I can do it'' Bernie snapped back. Serena was quite taken aback by the sudden outburst.

''Okay, um, well, I should probably go then, my flight, I've got to go to the airport soon.'' Serena had hoped this would knock some kind of sense into Bernie and that they could talk, the last thing she wanted was to leave things like this.

''Okay'' Bernie replied coldly, and Serena ran out the door in tears.

 _Was that it_? Serena thought to herself.

Serena popped into work to see Hanssen she couldn't leave without knowing they would be someone to keep an eye on Bernie.

Serena poured her heart out to Hanssen as she explained everything. Getting everything off her chest, she spoke about how worried she was, how emotional Bernie had been last night, how she wasn't sure if Bernie was just hormonal or if it was post natal depression. How she felt like Bernie needed her and she was running away, that she feared that Bernie needed support with her anxiety, she spoke in great detail about the nightmare Bernie had and the panic attack she had after. They both discussed how they felt responsible for not noticing anything sooner and allowing her to come back to work so soon. They wondered if that was a factor in Bernie's downward spiral. Henric reassured Serena he would keep a watchful eye over Bernie and that he would give her regular updates on her welfare, insisting after the death of her daughter it was time to put herself first and go to France to start a fresh, telling her his door would always be open any time she needed him, personally or professionally. And with that Serena left for the airport.

Meanwhile Bernie had fed her baby and jumped in the shower washing away all the stress from the last twelve hours, she had snapped back to reality and had accepted that once again she had fucked things up with Serena. She was upset, crying on and off as she got dressed and done her hair in attempt to carry on with her day the best she could. She didn't want to face the world today but she needed to go to work. She became upset again at the thought of having to leave her little man, she needed him today. She knew she was office based and decided to take him in with her knowing today was going to be hard and needing the reassurance of having him close.

She placed him in a baby sling around her body and put on her green military coat, wrapping it around him to protect him from the cold. She arrived at work an hour after Serena had left and was greeted by Hanssen who had taken comfort in Serena's office chair. ''Ah good morning Ms Wolfe, I see we have an addition to the AAU team'' He said lightly, acting casual. He could see she had been crying.

''Oh, morning, yes, you don't mind do you, let down by childcare'' she lied. Hanssen knew that wasn't the reason but was happy enough to allow Bernie the comfort she needed for today.

''By all means Major this is a teaching hospital after all, I dare say with your expertise he could make a fine Surgeon by the time he reaches his first birthday'' Henric joked. ''However, on a serious note, if you need to take some time'' He said carefully.

''What, oh, no need'' she smiled a small barely there smile as she began switching on her computer.

''Seems oddly quiet in here without Ms Campbell, don't you think?'' He began straightening up the stationary on what was Serena's desk. He wanted to see how Bernie would react, if she would get upset and confide in him.

''I'm sorry, Mr Hanssen, did you want something, I've got a stack of paperwork to do'' She wasn't in the mood for social niceties and with that Hanssen took the hint and stood to leave.

''You know where I am if you need me'' he said as he left the office.

Bernie removed the little man from his sling and cradled him in her arms. ''And back to reality we are little man'' she said. As she looked up at the computer screen and began to check her emails first.

AAU budget meeting

Staff night out

Maintenance repair information

She began clicking, getting ready to reply to the ones marked priority first, when one caught her eye. It was sent from Serena Campbell an hour ago, she clicked.

 _To the most beautiful girl in this world,_

 _I have never done this before, never wrote down my feelings like this before, but I just couldn't let you go like that, It broke my heart to see you so emotional. So I want you to read this, I want you to read just how amazing I think you are. How perfect and precious I think you are and I want you to live your life wearing that beautiful smile of yours on your face every single day, knowing just how much you are loved._

 _The words 'I Love You' just don't seem enough, they don't explain it properly, so here I am about to give this a go, I am going to try and explain it, explain things properly, here it goes. . ._

 _I don't quite remember the moment I realised I loved you, as you know you boggled my head a little and I tried to pretend it wasn't happening, that I wasn't falling for you, seems silly now, all those wasted moments we could have had together. But I defiantly remember the moment I knew there was something about you. It was the first time we met, do you remember? You were beautiful, sexy, stunning and gorgeous, smart and brilliant at everything you do, I was mesmerised by you, captivated by you. I had never seen a woman like that before, someone who took my breath away like that. Your sparkling eyes that have a hint of cheeky naughtiness about them, those eyes that have grown to tell me you love me in just one longing look._

 _And that smile, the smile that lights up any room, the smile that I live to see, the thing that keeps me going day by day, I've never told you this but that smile of yours has became my sunshine on a rainy day. If my day is going to shit, which lets face it has been more often than not recently, I've not told you, I've kept it bottled up because to walk in and see your face light up makes all the crap somehow irrelevant. Seeing you happy is all I want in life, and it breaks my heart to see you so upset like you were last night._

 _The other thing I want you to know, Is how proud you make me. You have been through so much recently and yet you're still standing, putting everyone else before yourself. I'm still struggling with the fact that you fought labour to try and spare my feelings of Elinor, I am so angry with you for that, yet love you that teensy bit more for it too. The fact that you caused yourself so much harm to put me first, It made me realise you love me so much you would do anything to try and protect me. I'm still furious at you though! The stress you put me through that night, I COULD HAVE LOST YOU! You could have died, for what? Just because you thought memories of Elinor would come flooding back and you didn't want to upset me, do you know what upsets me, seeing you in so much pain, seeing you with tears on your face and panic in your eyes, that is unbearable compared to recalling memories of Elinor._

 _I have watched you blossom into the amazing mother I had no doubt you would be. I know we haven't spoke about this, but I know the reason you didn't want to hold him at first was because you were scared, scared to get attached to him and love him in case, as you put it you ''messed things up.'' But I also know that you fell for him the second you seen him, I seen it in your eyes, that pride and protection you had for him. To see your self esteem so low that day and other days since brakes my heart, how can you possibly think you are anything other than the incredible person I see, I just don't understand, it frustrates me so much to see you have such a low opinion of yourself, to see you beat yourself up and get yourself so stressed about things like you did last night. I have watched you fall for some time now, watched you spiral from the happy, confident woman who was fierce and strong enough to take on a warzone, to a woman so unsure, unhappy and upset with herself. You said something to me the day you were in the hospital, you were talking about what had happened when you were missing, when you were with Marcus, you said ''I don't matter''_

 _YOU MATTER TO ME MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE ON THIS EARTH!_

 _That you need to know._

 _I'm not quite sure what happened last night and I know you will never tell me, but please Bernie, please look after yourself, and know that where ever I may be,_

 _I will always love you._

 _Serena_

 _x_

Bernie froze on the spot, fresh tears falling from her cheeks to the floor, ''She still loves me'' she said out loud.

Bernie placed the little man back in his sling as quick as she possibly could ''Ssshhh, ssshhh its okay little man, where off to see the aeroplanes'' she said to him as she fastened him in. She grabbed her coat as she ran out of the office looking at her watch on the way out of AAU, would she make it to the airport in time to stop Serena?


	13. Chapter 13

Bernie raced to her car clicking the button on her keys repeatedly to ensure the door was open for her getting in, she carefully nestled her baby in his car seat, fastening him in securely and placing his dummy in his mouth before running round to the driver's side and jumping in, the key in and engine started before she even closed the door. She took off, zooming out of the car park as she set on her mission to stop Serena leaving.

She drove as fast as she could, shouting at other drivers as they dawdled around her, hindering her task of stopping Serena from leaving her. She reached the dual carriageway to find it gridlocked with traffic, a long line of cars stood before her, bumper to bumper, she looked at the time, she had half an hour before Serena's flight took off, ''come on, COME ON'' she shouted, tapping the palm of her hand against the steering wheel as stress and impatience consumed her. She pulled her handbag from the passenger foot well as she waited, stuck in the inconvenience of airport traffic. She pulled out her phone and pressed the buttons to call Serena. . .

Voicemail

''Aggghhh come on, COME ON'' Bernie stress levels were reaching a high and she could feel the adrenaline flow through her veins.

She tried again.

''Hi this is Serena Campbell, sorry I can't take your call, you know what to do''

''Serena! Serena! It's Bernie, I'm coming to the airport, DO NOT GET ON THAT FLIGHT, I'm on my way, I love you so much Serena, please, please don't go.'' She cut the call and looked around her, she was trapped in a car sandwich.

Another five minutes had passed, she had watched the clock on her dashboard as each minute passed, not one of the cars in front of her had moved an inch.

The little man began to become unsettled, he was due a feed about now. Bernie rested her head on the steering wheel in frustration. ''Sssshhh its okay, little man'' she tried to remain calm but she herself head the tension in her voice as she spoke out loud.

Bernie looked ahead, cars, everywhere, she looked behind, more cars behind her as the traffic built up, she looked around, the next slip road wasn't for another 2 miles.

She looked at the clock on the dash board; she was running out of time. Her only hope now was that Serena would get her voicemail and not get on the flight. _It had gone to voicemail twice now though_ Bernie thought, _did that mean it was switched off, would she get it too late_?

She couldn't let Serena get on that flight, yes she could come back, _but would she come back_ , Bernie needed to see Serena, needed to explain, needed to tell her how much she loves her and how she wants to spend the rest of her life by her side, loving every square inch of her.

It occurred to Bernie that she didn't actually know where in France Serena was going to, she hadn't asked, she couldn't even go after her, find her in France and bring her home. She felt so angry with herself for not asking Serena, for letting her go the way she did earlier.

Banging her fist against the steering wheel she tooted her horn aggressively causing the little man to become more and more unsettled and Bernie cried as desperation took over. ''Sssshhh I'm sorry, please don't cry, sssshhhh'' Bernie was stressed, desperate, panicked and emotional, anxiety waved over her as she cried and what felt like a ton of bricks hit her hard on her chest, adrenaline fuelled fight or flight reaction kicking in she got out of the car.

She didn't know what she was doing or even where she was going, she just walked around in the middle of the road, hyperventilating and crying, she had never ever felt so desperate in her entire life.

Bernie couldn't take it anymore, she had to see Serena, she had to!

She rushed round to the passenger's side of the car, ignoring other drivers as they tooted and shouted at her. She scooped up her crying baby, placed him in the sling against her body, put on her coat and wrapped it around him, pulling the collar of her coat high up to shield his face from the cold. She kicked the car door closed, looked up and down the dual carriageway, and clicked her car to lock it as she abandoned her car and began running to the airport.

By the time she got there she was in full blown panic, she jogged around looking at every person, every screen. She had never noticed before now just how many woman have short, dark hair like Serena's.

She scanned every screen at the check in desks looking for clues as to where she could find her Serena, eyes darting around the public place frantically as she searched for her.

It occurred to her that she didn't even no which airport she was heading to, _how many airports did France have?_ She thought to herself as she became frustrated and irritated with her own abilities. She _should have asked Serena these questions_ She thought, and regret swept her mind as she recalled reading the leaving card ignoring Serena up until her leaving night.

Finally she found a screen that said:

Charles de Gaulle, Departure Longue 74, Boarding 4 minutes.

Bernie ran as fast as her legs would take her, pushing past anyone in her way and taking stairs and escalators two steps at a time.

 _74, 74_ she repeated in her head, terrified of forgetting the number, _bloody 74_ she thought as she ran, _why is it never lounge 1, has anyone actually ever been to lounge 1._

She ran down a corridor and reached the customs department where she was stopped by a man in a suit.

''Passport and ticket please''

''What, no, you don't understand, I just need to see her, I have to see her''

''I'm sorry madam but if you don't have a ticket and a passport I can't let you through.''

Bernie was out of breath, panting heavily, she spun round on the spot, her arms above her head as she gripped her hair in despair. She paced around slowly, feeling desperate and defeated. Hands moved to her hips as she walked round in circles trying to catch her breath, the little man screaming in her baby carrier around her body.

She began to cry, she lifted her hand from her hip back to her forehead and ran her fingers through her hair, brushing it out of her face and gripping hard, her chest hurt as she managed to take a deeper breath, the oxygen hurting her lungs as she inhaled. That was it, game over.


	14. Chapter 14

She looked at the man behind the desk, he was talking to his colleague leisurely, Bernie was furious by this relaxed attitude, she wanted to wrap her hands around his neck and squeeze all of her frustration and emotion out of her system. She watched as he chatted about how slow his computer was running today and without thinking, she found herself running again, an instinctive, automatic reaction some may call it, Bernie didn't know what it was, she just knew she had to stop Serena, and with that she hopped the security rope of customs, running straight past staff and security. She heard shouting behind her and turned to see two, overweight men in suits chasing her. She was desperate, hormonal, sleep deprived and emotional, if they wanted to take her on, more fool them!

She ran and ran and ran, down flight after flight of stairs heading for the departure lounges on the ground floor. She would find her, she would stop her, and she would tell her just how much she loves her.

Her foot slipped on a step as she ran causing her to fall and land on her bum, she clutched her baby close as she fell and was back up with in seconds as she continued to bound down the next flight of stairs, She looked behind her to see the two security men, the fall delaying her speed as she seen security were hot on her tail.

Running faster, she heard taking come through their radios as she was chased: _Female, small build, approximately 5ft 7, short blonde hair, wearing a long green military style coat, we believe she has a baby attached to her, destination unknown, heading for departure lounges._

Time was running out, more security were after her and she was thankful of her 25 years in the army and impressed with how fit she was as she outran them all.

In and out of departure lounge doorways, her eyes raced around looking for signs,

 _Departure lounges 69-79._ She read

She ran, shouting Serena's name in every doorway of all 10 departures lounges, desperation and stress levels creeping back up, her baby crying louder than she had ever head him. The pain in her chest was excruciating now and she clutched her chest feeling like she was about to go into cardiac arrest. Her mouth was dry and she tried to swallow down the lump in her throat, it wouldn't go.

Finally, she entered Departure Lounge 79!

''Serena!'' She shouted

To which she heard . . .

Nothing.

It was empty.

It was too late.

She had missed her.

She stood weakly, taking in fast, rapid, hyperventilating breaths, walking around on the spot as her adrenaline fuelled bloodstream wouldn't allow her to keep still. Hands back on her hips, she paced, hunched over slightly as she struggled to breath. Their was a sharp pain in the back of her throat and her chest clenched tightly.

That was it, over, she had gone.

Bernie was left unsure if she would ever see her again.

She was brought out of her trance by staff approaching her, accepting defeat, they circled her at a distance as they watched her begin to fall apart in front of them. The baby screaming in distress louder than she had ever heard him yet, it was getting on her nerves, she couldn't think straight!

''Will you just stop crying'' she shouted, and no sooner had she said it she instantly felt guilty.

''I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sssshhh I'm sorry'' She cried back at him.

It wasn't his fault; she knew that, she was angry at herself not at him.

She dropped heavily in a chair of the departure lounge and sat back against it, clutching him to her chest and crying out loud, she didn't care who saw or heard her anymore. She didn't care about anything anymore.

A woman from the security team approached her slowly and sat down on the chair beside her. She raised her hand up behind her back to signal to other staff to stay away, mouthing the words ''I've got this.'' As she watched them leave the room.

''How old is he?'' She said gently

Bernie didn't answer, she wasn't even sure, her head felt empty, she couldn't think.

''My daughters six months, first day back to work today, I've already cried four times ha, thank goodness for waterproof mascara.'' She said smiling a sympathetic smile. ''Cup of tea? She asked questioningly.

Bernie wasn't sure why this woman was being so kind to her, or why she wasn't in more trouble with security, they clearly felt sorry for her.

The woman stood up and Bernie followed her, she wasn't sure why, her legs just seemed to take her.

They reached a small office and the woman gestured for Bernie to sit down, she looked around the room, wondering what she was doing here, she didn't know what she was supposed to be doing anymore, where she was supposed to be, but she didn't expect this to be it. As she looked around she became aware of a sign on the open door saying _security interview room 1._

The woman saw her look, ''don't worry about that'' she said rummaging through a handbag.

''Ah, here we go, would these be any good for you?'' The woman asked handing her a baby bottle and a small pot containing formula.

''Oh, ermm'' Bernie's bottom lip wobbled and her expression crumbled as she sobbed at the kindness of this woman. She was overwhelmed with guilt for the state her son was in, he was fully distressed in her arms now and she felt like the worst mother in the world. Bernie took her head in her hands, resting her elbows on her knees as she sobbed. The woman placed a hand on Bernie's shoulder, rubbing it reassuringly before then walking away, she returned a few minutes later with a made up bottle and handed it to Bernie.

''Th tha thannk y-y-you'' she said, she could barely get the words out through her tears. The little man took it instantly, suckling at the bottle faster than she had seen him before. _He must have been starving_ Bernie thought as she tried to sniff up her tears. She felt numb.

''He's gorgeous'' the woman said as she watched Bernie feed her baby, she handed Bernie a tissue.

''Thanks'' Bernie whispered, she felt her heartbeat slowing down.

''Well you certainly gave security a run for their money, I don't think I've ever seen John so out of breath''

''Sorry'' Bernie whispered again

''Oh don't be, they needed the exercise''

Bernie gave a small smile as she listened to the woman and watched her baby, everything felt like such a mess.

''You want to talk about it?''

Bernie shook her head

''Okay'' she said casually and Bernie was thankful that she didn't push her into talking.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, the little man was now fast asleep in Bernie's arms. ''I should go''

''You going to be okay?''

''Yeah and thanks, you know, for everything''

''Don't mention it, next time you fancy a airport chase though you make sure it's on my day off okay, didn't realise how unfit I was'' She grinned a big, kind smile to Bernie and Bernie couldn't help but smile back. She was thankful to her for being so kind, she wasn't sure she deserved it, but she was thankful nonetheless.

Bernie strolled back to the dual carriageway to find her car had been moved to the grass verge on the side of the road and also, clamped!

 _Great_ she thought, she didn't have the energy to deal with this now, she opened the door, took out her two bags, one her handbag and one her baby bag, swung them over her shoulder and walked the long journey back home, cradling her sleeping baby in her arms as she walked.

She decided she didn't want to talk to anyone, she didn't want to talk, she didn't want to be around anyone she just wanted to be alone. Using her phone she sent a quick email to Hanssen, an email meant she could avoid talking to him, she wasn't bothered if she would be in trouble for not going back, she couldn't be bothered with anyone or anything, not now.

She automatically typed on her phone as she walked, stating she wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be returning back to the hospital today and would possibly be off tomorrow also. Not caring whether he believed her or not she pressed send and placed her phone back in her pocked as she continued her journey.

She finally arrived home feeling utterly drained and exhausted. Almost robotic and dazed, she kicked off her shoes at the doorway and dropped the bags off her shoulder, stretching her arm out, feeling instantly relieved as the weight lifted. She just wanted to hide now, to be alone with her own misery. She climbed the stairs slowly in a daze, taking her coat off as she walked and throwing it on the floor, she didn't care, she walked into the nursery and changed her baby's nappy, avoiding eye contact with him as she did so and not saying a word to him. She changed his clothes putting him in the softest little baby grow before walking in to her own room. This was what she wanted now, she closed the door, shut the curtains and lay her baby on the bed, crawling on beside him and lying in a foetal position as she allowed fresh tears to fall, she held his hand while she lay, she felt nothing. She was sick of crying now, but they wouldn't stop, she didn't know how to stop, it was like someone had switched on the tap to her tears and she no matter which way she turned the handle, they flowed continuously. Time seemed to stand still as she lay holding onto her baby's hand, watching him as he wriggled and gurgled beside her, as he drifted in and out of sleep.

Serena was gone, that was it. She didn't know if she could live without her, she didn't know if she wanted to live without her.

What she did want was to go to sleep and never wake up, to switch off somehow from the ache and the pain she felt inside. She thought about downing a bottle of whisky, needing something to help her numb the pain, but she new it wouldn't be strong enough, she wanted to switch off completely and she new she couldn't while she had the little man to take care of. He was all she had left now and although she felt like he would be better off without her, she needed _him_ now more than ever.

Bernie wasn't sure how much time had past lying in the dark. She only got up to make the little mans bottles but always returned to the darkened room to feed him. She thought it could have been a day or so but she wasn't sure for definite, her phone was still in her bag downstairs and she hadn't bothered to check it, she assumed it would have ran out of battery by now anyway.

Remained in her foetal position lying on top of the covers and holding little mans hand: dazed, zoned out and numb, she drifted into sleep.


	15. Chapter 15

She stepped back as the person came in holding on tighter to her baby, her eyes filled with tears as she looked to see Serena in the doorway. She instantly raised a hand to her mouth in shock and her expression crumbled as she broke down in sobs. She turned her back to Serena and crossed her legs as she dropped to the floor, hand to her mouth in attempt to stop the loud sobs that were coming out. She rocked back and fourth slowly as she clutched on tight to the baby on her chest and as Serena stood watching her in shock she became aware that Bernie was crying so hard she hadn't actually took a breath.

Serena brushed a tear from her own cheek and walked round the bed to Bernie, sitting down on the floor beside her, her back rested against the side of the bed.

Bernie was hunched forward and as Serena placed her hand on the top of her back, she drew in a sharp, high pitched intake of breath.

Serena remained sitting with her back up against the bed and stretched her arm out to rub comforting circles on Bernie's back, she wanted to wrap her arms around her, but thought Bernie would prefer and needed the space.

Serena cried watching Bernie cry and together they sat on the floor in the darkness.

They needed to talk Serena thought; Serena needed Bernie to be honest and open up to her. She wanted to help Bernie, she needed to help Bernie, so she decided she would be honest with her first in attempt to get her to open up.

Serena removed her hand from Bernie's back, took a deep nervous breath and began to talk, softly and quietly to Bernie's back, thankful she wouldn't have to look at her face as she began one of the hardest things she has ever had to do.

'' _When you left,''_ She licked her lips nervously as she started _''after we found out you were pregnant,(deep breath) it was like, It was like my world had gone dark._ She hesitated before continuing as she heard Bernie's breathing settle as she started to listen to her. Serena focused on her hands so that she didn't have to look at her.

'' _It was like,''_ She cleared her throat, '' _like there was no light left, hmm''_ she smiled _''you were my light, and you were gone._ '' she shrugged

'' _Hmm I remember I would,''_ she licked her lips again _''I would keep going back to the office ha, praying you would be back, just sitting at your desk as usual. Sometimes, I would be in surgery and I'd think 'I haven't checked for hours, she might be there now.' And each time I'd go back,''_ Serena shrugged again _,_

'' _no Bernie, no light.''_

'' _Then we lost Elinor, I hate that phrase,''_ Serena rolled her eyes as she said it

'' _makes it sound like we've misplaced her. Anyway, suddenly,''_ she paused againas she struggled to say the words out loud, she didn't want to say the words out loud, but she thought it might help in some way if they were honest with each other.

'' _It wasn't just dark anymore, it was pitch black, I felt trapped, trapped in the darkness, like I was in a locked room with no windows, no light.'' Serena paused again as Bernie sat back, sitting shoulder to shoulder with Serena. Bernie picked up Serena's hand to hold it and Serena felt one of Bernie's teardrops land on her hand._

'' _I was so numb, like I was just, disconnected, from everyone. The world was spinning round me in slow motion and I was just stuck in the middle watching it go round, trapped in the dark._

Bernie squeezed Serena's hand reassuringly and Serena focused on the little man gurgling in her arms.

'' _Then you went into labour, and suddenly I cared about something again, more than cared, I had feelings again, I felt like a little human again.''_ She giggled wiped away the tears from her cheeks.

'' _Then, you were struggling, with the pain, god Bernie you looked so scared, and I felt so helpless, you were exhausted and we talked about how you had been in denial. I felt so guilty, I had been so consumed by the dark that I'd totally took my eye off the ball with you''_ Serena shook her head as she spoke.

'' _I decided that, from then on I was going to do everything I could to protect you.''_

Bernie shook her head and was about to protest when Serena cut her off and continued talking.

'' _And then you had him, and he was so perfect, I was so SO proud of you,''_ Serena sounded like she was starting to loose her voice. _''Then I looked, and you were unconscious, and it was like Elinor all over again. I was petrified of loosing you, of loosing either of you.''_

Bernie rested her head on Serena's shoulder and took in a breath trying to blow it out slowly to compose herself, she was utterly heartbroken to hear Serena talk like this.

'' _You were okay, and I had you back, my light, my love, it was back. Then I read your notes, 'three broken ribs, abrasions and lacerations to the head, wrists and ankles, bruised eye socked and split lip that required stitches'_ Serena still remembered every word.

'' _And my feelings had flipped, became twisted somehow, I was angry, adrenaline fuelled, scared of my own actions angry, I was angry at him for what he done to you, angry at myself for not protecting you and angry at you, for not calling me, for not letting me be there for you, for being so calm, like it didn't matter''_ Serena was becoming angry as she spoke and Bernie had to step in.

''Shhhhh it's okay, it's okay.''

'' _NO BERNIE, IT'S NOT OKAY, what he did to you, you weren't even bothered._

 _You came home from hospital, and I couldn't shake it off, the anger, the darkness, I had you back, I had my light back, but I was in too deep, and the light just wasn't bright enough._

 _So I went on anti depressants, I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry, you and enough to be dealing with, with the little man. I can't say I'm still not in the dark room, some days I am, but I think I've at least found a window.''_ She laughed at the way she was describing things but it was the only way it made sense.

Serena knew Bernie wouldn't laugh at her, and she didn't, if anything it made her cry more and she didn't think that was possible.

Bernie lifted her head from Serena's shoulder and kissed her head, hard, letting her lips linger for a while before removing them from her head. ''Thank you, for telling me, I know that wasn't easy.''

Serena took another deep breath and held the little mans hand, smiling at him to take the attention off of her. She quickly wiped her eyes and sniffed, clearing her throat.

''What about you?'' She said, trying to nudge Bernie into talking.

'' _Pppffttt, I'm just a mess, all the time, all day every day_ ,'' Bernie began to cry again as she spoke

'' _All I do is cry, when I was pregnant. . . ''_ Bernie gulped _._

'' _It was easier to just pretend it wasn't happening, to just ignore it, it worked, the majority of the time, but then every now and then I'd get slapped back to reality.''_ Bernie licked her lips, her mouth was so dry, she was so dehydrated from all the tears she had shed.

'' _The fundraiser, by the end of the night, the bottom of my back hurt so much I could barely walk.''_ Serena could physically see the tension leaving Bernie's body as she finally began to open up and get it all of her chest.

'' _When I was away, with Marcus he said he deserved better than me,''_ She gestured to the little man in her arms _. ''That I'd let him down._

'' _I knew he was right, but I didn't want to let him go, I wanted him so much, even then. Marcus he ermm, he tied me up, said I should count myself lucky that I found out late because at least I wouldn't have to spent a full 9 months like that.''_ Serena squeezed Bernie's hand and Bernie actually smiled back.

'' _He tied me to the radiator and about a week or two in he kicked,''_ She smiled again as she recalled the memory and Serena automatically smiled at hearing it.

'' _I new I had to get out, I had to protect him, I slipped the ropes, army style,''_ she smiled again. _''but he caught me on the stairs, dragged me back by my hair, I tried to fight but my arms and legs were like jelly from being tied up for a week, he tied me tighter and bolted the doors,''_ Serena noticed Bernie look down and was worried where this was heading.

'' _Marcus was right, I'd let him down, he wasn't even here yet and I'd failed to protect him,''_ Bernie wiped under her eyes before avoiding eye contact again.

'' _I didn't get out, didn't fight hard enough, then he came home from work with a bag full of supplies, he was going to induce me. I had to get out Serena I had to protect him. He had manage to get some of the syringe in me, we fought, I scratched his face with the needle, I managed to get out, and ran as fast as I could, hid in a back alley, next thing you know it was starting._ '' Bernie shrugged and Serena felt physically sick, _why did she not tell me this_! Serena thought.

'' _I didn't think he had managed to induce me until then, I managed to keep walking for a while but I hadn't ate or drank much in that 2 and a bit weeks, I kept going dizzy with each contraction, next thing you know I'm waking up in hospital, they had managed to slow things down seen as I'd got there before my waters had broke. Someone found me, I don't even know who it was.''_

Serena just looked at her in horror.

'' _I was just in a bubble, a big ignorant bubble where everything was fine, I tried not to think about how I'd let him down and nearly lost him, I felt like I'd failed him before he was even here, so I just focused on trying to support you, focused on trying to do something right. Then we were in the office and I went to stand up, he dropped down, I felt his head engage, the pressure, it was not like that with the other two. Anyway, it just progressed so fast, I tried so hard to fight it, I didn't want you to have to witness me giving birth to him a week after Elinor was buried.''_ Bernie's sobs began again

'' _A fucking week after, it was so cruel, I felt like I was torturing you, I didn't want to upset you like that, I tried so hard to fight it, I should have fought it, but Serena the contractions, they were too strong, I couldn't_ ''

'' _Ssshhhh it's okay''_ Serena wrapped her arms around her and pulled her to her chest.

'' _No it isn't, it isn't okay, that wasn't okay, you're the woman I love, the woman I'd do anything for, and I let you down, just like I let him down, I should have fought harder instead of torturing you like that, I needed to push so much, for hours I fought against it then I was just so exhausted, before I knew it I was loosing control, the pressure was too much, and my body was pushing even though I didn't want it to, and now I have to live with the fact that I've hurt and let you down in the worst possible way, I never meant for all this to happen, I really didn't._

 _Then he was here, and he was perfect, we came home, you would go to work, and I would cry the second the door closed, spend all day thinking about how much I've let you down, how cruel I am for doing this to you, letting you help me with him after everything that's happened with Elinor._

 _I brought him home and all I did was cry, he must think I don't love him, that I'm not happy to have him, I am, I do, Serena I really do.''_

'' _I know''_ She smiled happy to hear how much she loves and wants him, that was a concern she now didn't have to worry about

'' _I thought, if I go back to work, it might help, that I would be too distracted to think about things, and it works, I am, most of the time''_ Serena giggled knowing just exactly how distracting their workplace can be.

'' _But I feel so guilty leaving him, I say goodbye to him, and kiss his little face and I cry all the way to work, because I've left my baby, and he thinks I don't love him and I've let down the woman I love in the cruellest, most torturous possible way.''_ Serena kissed the top of Bernie's head and shook her own head in disbelief at what Bernie was saying.

'' _Then I got to work, and found out you were leaving, I didn't blame you, not one little bit, I would leave me too, but I cried more because now I'd messed things up so much I'd lost you for good. Serena I'm so SO sorry.''_ Serena had no words, she was just in shock, she had no idea things had been this bad, all she could do was kiss her head and hold her tight.

'' _Bernie, what happened last night''_ Serena needed to know everything.

'' _Bernie_ '' The fact that Bernie was avoiding this one made Serena worry even more.

'' _I don't think I can remember, it was just a dream anyway, I haven't slept in weeks, and my heads all over anyway, then with you leaving, I think my head was just messed up.''_

Serena remained quiet knowing this Bernie far to well to know that that was not true.

'' _Bernie''_

'' _Ahhhhhhhh''_ Bernie really, really didn't want to talk about this.

Silence from Serena again.

'' _I was tied up''_

'' _With Marcus''_

'' _Not exactly''_

Serena sat back pulling Bernie away from her chest to look her in the eye, she was confused for a minute before shouting ' _'WITH ME_?'''

'' _We were in the office, you said you were taking him to France, that you were both better off without me seen as I had let you both down so much. You induced me and I was in labour, It seemed so real, I thought it was actually happening, then you woke me up and I couldn't breath, it was like a ton of bricks had landed on my chest and stayed there, I couldn't get any air in. I think that's why I was a bit off with you; my head was all over, I'm so sorry_.'' Bernie seemed shocked herself as she recalled her dream, shaking her head at how twisted it was.

Serena was mortified, ' _'Bernie, you know I would never''_ She wanted to say never hurt you like that but Bernie cut her off mid sentence

'' _OF COURSE I DO, it was just a dream_!''

They remained sat on the floor together, backs rested against the bed, snuggling into one another in the darkness, smiling and talking to the little man rested up on Bernie's knees in front of them both. It was the most relaxed either of them had been in months. Serena couldn't hide how happy she was to see Bernie with no tears and her beautiful smile back on her face.

Serena was happy to see Bernie happy, and Bernie was happy to see Serena happy. Everything seemed like it had fell into place.

They chatted away to the little man, Serena holding his hand and telling him how gorgeous he was. Serena explained how she got on the flight and realised she couldn't go, getting off and rebooking another flight straight back. Bernie spoke about their airport chase through customs to a shocked Serena. ' _'We out ran all the security didn't we little man, yep, they didn't stand a chance against us two did they_ '' Bernie smiled the biggest smile as she kissed his little feet and Serena laughed, she loved hearing that story, she loved watching Bernie with the little man and she loved the little man as if he were her own.''

'' _There is something else, I haven't told you''_ Bernie said as she seen Serena watch him with so much love and pride.

'' _Let me guess, your pregnant''_

'' _That wit of yours never seems to fail you Ms Campbell''_

'' _Here hold him for me''_

'' _Come on little man, come to your favourite''_

Bernie passed him over and reached up to the top drawer of her bedside table and pulled out an envelope.

'' _What is it''_

'' _Open it, you'll see''_

Serena looked confused, she opened it, pulled out a piece of paper inside, _''his birth certificate,''_ Serena was still confused.

Bernie rolled her eyes _''Look at the name''_

'' _Toby Campbell-Wolfe''_ Serena read out loud and her face lit up

'' _Also known as 'The little man''_ Bernie said.

 _Obviously that part was not on the birth certificate._


End file.
